So, how much sharing is too much?
It’s Wednesday morning, and my family was in the lobby of our hotel. We’re on our annual trek to our favorite place on Earth: Storyland in New Hampshire. We’ve come down for the hotel’s free breakfast, and we’re crowded around the tiny table.
Well, not all of us. I had removed Howie from the sitting area because his behavior was becoming quite disruptive. I plopped him down in the chair in front of the reservation desk, handed him a Storyland map, and told him to plan out our day. I strategically placed myself halfway between him and our table, so I could keep an eye on everyone. And suck down my free coffee at the same time.
At that moment, a mom and her son came in. He looked to be about seven years old or so. She asked if I was waiting for a table, and as I gestured to my left and right I explained that I was keeping track of my crew. She smiled and grabbed a table in the middle of the room. Her husband and daughter came in behind them.
A few minutes later, I heard her tell her son to “just go out and ask them what they like about Storyland. He has a map right there.” Her son comes right out, glances back at his mom, and turns to Howie.
“So, what do you like about Storyland?”
Howie’s eyes lit up. It was like asking Dino Dan what he likes about dinosaurs.
(in case you don’t know, Storyland is Howie’s second obsession after Hot Wheels cars. He asks almost every day “how many more sleeps” until we’re going. And on the days when he doesn’t ask, he talks about his favorite rides. Constantly.)
For a good ten minutes the conversation flowed. “I like the polar coaster!” “I’m going on the Flying Fish!” “Do you like the train?” “I’m going to ride on the green one!” “Did you know there’s a circus”…and on and on and on…until:
“Mom! I made a new friend!”
From Howie.
Of course, he didn’t know the kid’s name or anything about him. They just connected on Storyland and that was enough. Frankly I was surprised he didn’t say “I made a new best friend!”
The rest of us finished our breakfast and headed back up to the room to get ready for our big day at the park. Our new friend Gabe (yes, we now knew his name) and his dad rode up with us. And they were still talking about Storyland.
We said our goodbyes at the elevator and the perfunctory “see you at the park”, gathered our things and went our separate ways.
In the parking lot, I realized I had forgotten something in the room. I headed back to the lobby, and ran into Gabe’s dad outside of the door.
Something overtook me at that moment. I don’t know what it was. For some reason, I was compelled to talk to him. To thank him. So I did.
“I just have to thank you and your son. He’s a great kid and my boys had a nice time talking with him about the park. My five year old…um…he has high functioning autism, and it’s hard for him to relate to kids sometimes, so…um…that was really great for me and him. Thank you.” And I turned and walked into the hotel. His wife was walking out right then. She looked at me quizzically and said “I guess I’ll have him fill me in.”
I have never shared that information with a stranger. A complete and total stranger. There was no immediate reason for me to tell them any of that. The only time I’ve ever told anyone about Howie’s autism was as an explanation for his behavior. And it’s only to a person who we already know. I’ve never considered it anyone’s business before. And clearly, they didn’t need to know it. They came into breakfast five minutes past the verbal outbursts, the refusal to eat, and the inability to sit still. All they saw was a perfectly behaved five year old, talking about his favorite vacation spot.
But I saw something different. I saw my son connect with another young boy – one that he had never met before.
A boy that seemed a little like…mine.
What was it that got my radar up? Was it the excited way that he talked too? Or was it the fact that his mother asked me twice if he was bothering my boys? Or was it the little tears that welled up in her eyes when I told her that Howie said that he made a new friend?
Something compelled me to tell that family our story. It was the thought that maybe we shared something else besides our love for the Whirling Whale ride.
We saw the family two times at the park that day. Once they were getting off one ride, and we were getting on. There was a quick hello, and that was it. Later on, I saw the mom. She was walking alone, talking on the phone. She glanced at me, and looked away.
I’m guessing now that my radar was off that day. I was wrong. And I scared her.
I expected a teary “yes, us too!”. What I got was a “I don’t know you.”
I spent the rest of the day thinking about this encounter. What did I expect to gain from sharing, or in this case, oversharing? Why did I need them to know? Why did I need to connect with this family? They were strangers then and are strangers now.
Why did I need to make my son the topic of her next mom’s night out?
I guess it’s that feeling of not wanting to be alone. I thought she’d be a mom who “gets it”. Instead, she was a mom who didn’t want to understand.
However…
I’m not sure I’d do anything different any other time.
You just never know when you’ll get that teary “yes, us too.”
That moment can make all the difference.
Let's get together at Storyland
(more about our actual visit to Storyland in my next post. As soon as I finish unpacking…could be weeks…)
“And the trouble I find is that the trouble finds me
It’s a part of my mind it begins with a dream
And a feeling I get when I look and I see
That this world is a puzzle, I’ll find all of the pieces
And put it all together, and then I’ll rearrange it
I’ll follow it forever
Always be as strange as it seems
Nobody ever told me not to try” – Talk of the Town by Jack Johnson
Try Defying Gravity 
June 24, 2011 at 11:21 pm
I think there are times when we’re so caught up in the emotional positives (and negatives) in our lives that we have to let them out. I don’t know that I would have done anything differently. In some ways, looking outside the box, you made a connection for them to something they may not have had ‘knowing’ experience about. You may have popped a bubble they (and many others) live in. Good for you for being open. Good for him for making a connection. That will stick with him for a long time whether you outwardly see it or not! Thanks for this post!
June 24, 2011 at 11:32 pm
Oh Alysia, I’ve had such a similar experience and I think you are taking away the right thoughts. You shared for the right reason. You just never know when you will get that “me too” and it can make all the difference. Even if they weren’t a member of our club they learned something that day.
June 24, 2011 at 11:58 pm
I agree. It’s never wrong, in my opinion, to share your life and “toss” in some education about autism. Maybe you did pop their bubble and open their eyes just a little bit wider. Or maybe they’re one of those people who wouldn’t have let their son talk with your son if they knew he had autism. Either way, education is a good thing. And when we allow ourselves to be open with each other, we allow for the opportunity to meet someone else in the club. Good for you and don’t be afraid to do it again!
June 25, 2011 at 12:27 am
I tell many people about my autistic boys. I tell them because how else are they going to know what autism is and what it looks like. Yes, lots of people now know the word autism, but not many really know autism unless they have lived it. In sharing about my kids I invite others into our lives for a brief time so they can understand.
And, I think sometimes I’m so emotional that I have to say something to somebody even if I just get an awkward stare in return.
June 25, 2011 at 3:48 am
So, here’s the thing, you only have your own perspective and experience to use in framing this woman’s behavior, right? What if your particular blinders make it so you can’t see another possible explanation…maybe her son is also a highly functional but very quirky individual who hasn’t been diagnosed? What if her awkward behavior was because HER particular blinders may have been ripped off or, at the least, left slightly askew so she started to reframe what she knows about her own child. WHAT IF… In sharing your story, and your appreciation for the brief connection with their child, you shifted her perspective and THAT was why she felt awkward? You know, the uncomfortable feeling that we all get when we’ve been trying to ignore our intuition and someone makes us notice it after all…WHAT IF?
Now, I’m not suggesting you go around sharing your children’s business willy-nilly with strangers. But, if your instincts prompt you to share a bit, is it so bad? You’ll never know which direction the pendulum swung form this particular mom, but wouldn’t you rather err on the side of POSSIBLY helping someone find their way to understanding?
Just my rambling two-cents. xo
June 25, 2011 at 6:34 am
I thought as were the only ones who used the word “sleeps” when referring to how many days until….
I share sometimes too and I don’t know that I have had a bad ex
June 25, 2011 at 7:00 am
Opps, here is the rest of the sentence, experience thus far. Don’t personalize her reaction! I know easier said then done, but YOU can do it. You are a warrior mom after all, you can do anything. And please remember this,
“1 bad apple don’t spoil the whole bunch now” -Donny Osmond.
June 25, 2011 at 7:59 am
I think what you were looking for was not so much a “us too” as the idea that these parents should understand what an effort it was for your child and how you appreciated their son’s kindness. What you didn’t’ realize is that there was no particular kindness in there at all, ti was just a typical kid to kid interaction. That is something we are so not used to that we forget sometimes people really just interact with our children on a typical level and that is all..but don’t beat yourself up about telling a stranger…sometimes its also easier to tell a stranger than someone you know really well too. Also quite frankly all you were doing was trying to say thank you. There is nothing wrong with that. Unfortunately when we do open ourselves up to people they can tend to disappoint. That this family was unable to deal with the reality that your son has autism, is not your problem but it is theirs along with their own apparent lack of true humanity.
June 25, 2011 at 8:07 am
Oh you know, I hate encountering someone else when I’m on the phone though…her reaction may have been everything to do with her conversation and nothing to do with you. I guess we’ll never know, but raising a little awareness can never be a bad thing, surely? Perhaps she was speed-dialing her pediatircian? And many more questions raised. I’m glad Howie got his moment of connection, sorry you didn’t….this time. 🙂
June 25, 2011 at 12:33 pm
You know, no matter what happened in that woman’s head or what was going on with her kid, that is one more person out there who now has a little bit more information about autism.
I talk about autism and my kid with autism all the time. I figure people talk about their typical kids all the time and I don’t consider autism to be something shameful to hide away and not tell people. When I talk to strangers about it, I always assume that the next time they hear something about autism they’ll think, oh, yeah, I met someone who had a kid with autism, or little Jake played with a kid with autism at the park. Or even they just see that I as an autism mom look just like her and that my kid with autism? May not be what was in her imagination.
For me, that “me too” is just a bonus.
I think that as long as you don’t exploit your kid’s autism or make him feel self-conscious, talk it up—especially with strangers that you won’t have a long-term relationship with. What could possibly be bad about it?
Good for Howie. And I’m glad you guys had such a good time!
June 27, 2011 at 9:48 am
I’ve done this before, as well. There are times I just want other people to know that they just made a difference in Danny’s life. Like in the case of what happened with Howie and Gabe, I think it’s nice to let Gabe know that he was being kind to someone who is slightly different, and I would hope that having had a good experience would encourage that family to continue being kind to those around them.
And I think it’s cool for others to see a kid who’s being fun and having a good time (Howie) who also happens to have autism. He wasn’t acting stereotypically and it’s good for other people to see that autism looks different on every kid. I don’t know if that makes any sense at all.
Anyway, I think it’s natural to not want to feel alone. One time there were visitors at our church and I introduced myself to the family and asked their 10 yo son how old he was. He ignored me and walked away. didn’t really bother me, since Danny does that all the time. But when the parents said that their son had autism, I said, “Oh, our son does too!” like we shared this amazing thing in common. Their faces relaxed and they said, “Oh, well, so you understand.” It was kind of cool, actually,
June 27, 2011 at 10:59 am
I agree with Stimey. That family learned a little about autism through their son’s interaction with Howie. You didn’t embarrass your son,and you raised a little more awareness about autism. That’s important. I think we’re always looking for that “us too” because it’s easy to feel alone on our little autism islands. Bloggy friends are great, but sometimes you want to look at another mom face to face and know that she gets it–to be able to talk about our kids without having to give an “autism lesson”over the course of the conversation.
June 28, 2011 at 7:06 am
I do believe there is that need to connect so that we do not feel alone and so that others do not feel alone. I would have done the same thing. In fact I have done the same thing. I have gotten many different responses but I have found those moments of connections with another parent and I have found those moments of just sharing a little bit about our little guy. I figure either way I can’t go wrong. I am just so happy for Howie!
June 29, 2011 at 8:14 am
You are all so smart. I think you’re all right. There was some need to connect on my part so I didn’t feel so alone. And perhaps the family learned something that they didn’t know, and perhaps we’ve spread awareness without even trying.
There’s another thought that I’ve been mulling over – that maybe the dad didn’t tell her at all. maybe he just said “she said we have a nice kid.” So maybe I’m interpreting things that didn’t exist?
Again I’ll never ever know.
June 29, 2011 at 10:27 am
I think you need to coin a phrase… something like “bageling,” only ASD specific.