It’s midnight. I am lying in bed, talking to Tim. It’s the only time we can talk alone now that the kids are home and awake way later than they should be.
“I’m worried about Howie,” he says. “It’s sometimes really hard to see him around so- called typical kids.”
He’s referring to a few incidents, but mostly to an afternoon before school ended. Tim went in to volunteer in Howie’s class to help with a science project. Howie had a major meltdown over an experiment and left the classroom to calm down. Tim didn’t see him again until almost the end of the day.
“I know,” I said quietly.
“The older he gets, the more his ‘quirks’ are going to stand out. I just want him to have friends.”
I nod silently in the dark.
“You saw that video of that bus monitor in New York, right? Those are the kinds of kids that will target him. Those are the kids who could hurt him.”
He’s not wrong, of course. And I know that.
“I know,” I said. “But we’ll do what we can to keep him safe. We’ll make sure he stays on the mini-bus as long as he can. And we’ll have to teach him to tell us everything. And then teach him again. And again. And just hope it will be okay. But I know. It scares me too.”
**********
On June 30th, my friend shared the link about the New York bus monitor’s story and posted this on her amazing Facebook page “We Care About Someone With Autism“:
I’m VERY sorry that this happened, and I’m happy to hear that the students who did this are being punished. But this whole thing REALLY bothers me. I mean, we hear about bullying every day….yet this person had $650,000 donated to her in order to take a VACATION?!?!?!? What about the thousands of Autistic children who get bullied in school or on the bus every day? Where’s their $$ to take a trip to Disney World? Understand — I REALLY am sorry that Karen Klein had to go through this — NO ONE should have that experience. But the public response (on that score) is TOTALLY misdirected.
I completely agree. It is absolutely awful what Ms. Klein endured. The children involved needed to be punished and I believe their suspension was appropriate and necessary. No one – NO ONE – should go through the kind of abuse that she did. But what happens when it’s kid versus kid? Is there the same outrage? What about my kid who doesn’t understand that someone is verbally abusing him? Or what happens when my kid is the one who fights back and gets in trouble because he’s the one with the behavior plan?
What do I do? As parents…what do we do?
**********
I’m in Dunkin’ Donuts, having an early morning meeting with a friend. I take a sip of my coffee and look up at the TV screen. CNN is on. They are playing a video. The sound is off, but the tag line at the bottom says “Video of 13-year-old autistic girl being bullied”. I look away. I search for it later and find this:
All the girls in this video are 13. According to comments on the “Bully” movie Facebook page and a story from thAutcast.com, the video was taken by the girls perpetrating the attack. The autistic girl’s mom put the video on YouTube to show the world what happened to her daughter, but then took it down when the girls involved received hate mail and death threats. This copy of the video was left on YouTube.
This video just makes me cry. How do I keep this from happening to my child?
**********
It’s July 4th. We’re on our way back from Target, getting some supplies for a holiday backyard party. A CD of some of The Beatles Greatest Hits is playing.
I hear singing from the middle row of the mini-van.
I look in my rear view mirror. Howie is singing:
“Nothing you can make that can’t be made.
No one you can save that can’t be saved.
Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you in time.
It’s easy.”
And then he gets louder:
“All you need is love.
All you need is love.
All you need is love, love.
Love is all you need.”
He catches my eye – just for a second – in the mirror. He looks away but smiles. I smile back.
“All you need is love (all together, now!)
All you need is love. (everybody!)
All you need is love, love.
Love is all you need (love is all you need)“
I will tell him to be proud of who he is.
I must teach him to stand up for himself.
I will show him that love is more powerful than hate.
He already believes that love is all you need.
I have to believe it’s enough.
July 8, 2012 at 9:34 pm
I feel your fear and pain in this. I live those fears and that pain too. I cannot watch that video. I’m tempted. But I know it will undo me tonight.
You are on the right track mama. We do what we can, and then we push on and do more. xo
July 8, 2012 at 9:43 pm
Thank you <3
July 8, 2012 at 9:47 pm
I can’t bring myself to watch it either <3
July 8, 2012 at 9:51 pm
I can’t watch it, either. For the same reasons.
July 8, 2012 at 9:41 pm
Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. MLK jr. And Howie.
July 8, 2012 at 9:44 pm
Amen. And that just put a much needed smile on my face :)
July 8, 2012 at 9:43 pm
I completely echo therocchronicles’ comment. Right down to not being able to watch that video. THIS. THESE are the reasons I push so hard for my nonverbal son to be fully supported in school in not only the use of his speech device, but also to develop reading and writing skills. Without them, he wouldn’t be able to tell me if this ever happened to him. The very motion of that is more than I can stomach.
July 8, 2012 at 9:45 pm
I know. Exactly.
July 8, 2012 at 9:46 pm
*tears* our collective nightmare….We ALL have to try and believe as Howie does. Thank you for writing this. <3
July 8, 2012 at 9:48 pm
Thank you.
July 8, 2012 at 9:56 pm
this is my biggest fear- the vulnerability of my child combined with the cruelty of others who do actually know better. It is a nightmare.
All we can do is our very best to prepare, prevent and protect.
And, yes.
Love is everything – it heals, it inspires, it comforts, it saves, it teaches and it protects.
Love is all we need.
July 8, 2012 at 10:13 pm
It has to be <3
July 8, 2012 at 10:16 pm
I so get this. I do the same. I wait until I am safe in bed and then unleash all my fears about everything autism and anxiety. I’ve actually seen J get bullied. He didn’t know it was happening. He thinks it is all a game. I also have a huge fear that J is going to be on the other side, and not know it. He just follows what everyone else does. One time I heard him being (really) not nice to another boy, because others were doing it and he thought they were playing a game. The boy’s Dad was there and I tried to explain, but he was just pissed. Then J didn’t get it when I tried to explain it to him. Trying REALLY hard to use social skills and lessons in empathy and how to be a good friend to lead the way there, because I don’t know how else to help my son.
July 8, 2012 at 10:21 pm
Yes…that is it exactly.
July 8, 2012 at 10:16 pm
*Wipes tears away* I worry every day about this. Tate can’t tell me when he has been bullied. Not yet, anyway. This hurts me so, because how can I help, if I don’t know what’s going on when I’m not there??
Love is all we need, indeed. My love for my sons will push me to advocate, to make changes, fight for accomodations to help keep them safe…and I hope they will be.
July 8, 2012 at 10:22 pm
Exactly. It has to be what drives us and it has to be enough.
July 8, 2012 at 10:57 pm
Oh, hell. You just totally captured what I feel every day. It is so completely heartbreaking. Sometimes it makes me wish I could hide Danny away from the world. But I wonder if he’s not stronger than I think he is. I sure hope so.
I can’t bear to watch the video either. I just can’t handle it right now. I want to believe that the world is good and kind, though I know it’s not. But I hope I can teach Danny to be strong and courageous and proud of who he is.
Maybe we all can do it together.
July 11, 2012 at 9:57 am
I think our kids are stronger than we think. We just need to give them the tools. I hope.
July 8, 2012 at 11:46 pm
Scary, very scary. I can’t watch the video and probably never will. It hurts too much. My son is very severe and because of that fact, he will always have an adult with him… which hopefully will prevent him from being abused. Although I do worry about when he is an adult and I am not here to protect him.
July 11, 2012 at 9:57 am
I believe we do everything in our power to keep our kids safe, even when they become adults. We’ll all make sure of it.
July 9, 2012 at 1:34 am
So there with you. Wish I weren’t. But…
July 9, 2012 at 2:30 am
love is all we need to advocate for them, but it’s so uncertain and scary. and your little guy continues to amaze me… can’t help but feel that’s a nod from your dad that all Howie and all of our little ones need is love to be themselves, unharmed.
we were created by love, for love, to love. we’ll show them that this is more powerful, teach them to stand up, and tell them to be proud of who they are. you’re right about all of this… we have to believe it’s enough. <3
July 11, 2012 at 9:58 am
Awww…Dawn. Thank you. You just made me teary. That was just what I needed to read <3
July 9, 2012 at 6:26 am
Love is all you need.
July 9, 2012 at 12:18 pm
Unfortunately, no mater what — our kids are going to be bullied. I was bullied — and while I was a bit geekier than most — I am neurotypical.
I think the real thing is to teach our children to stand up for themselves, to believe in themselves no matter what, and to be kind. Howie is already a LONG way down that path. <3
July 11, 2012 at 9:59 am
You’re right. It will happen. The words/actions back just need to be part or their toolbox, I guess.
July 9, 2012 at 1:12 pm
Howie is a wise young man – his smile and those bright eyes will ensure he will be fine!
July 9, 2012 at 2:09 pm
Bullying is my biggest fear. Period. Like the commenters (is that a word?) before me, I too cannot watch that video. My twins are starting kindergarten next year. They DO stand out. One flaps all the time. The other recites schedules in minute detail (CONSTANTLY).
But we always have to take it one step at a time. When I go to back to school night (just before school starts since they’re kindergarteners) I’m going to ask the principal what we as parents should do if we learn that our children are being bullied. I want to know, before it happens, what I need to do to make sure it stops, and stops IMMEDIATELY.
This is one specific area where I’m grateful my children are Autistic — they don’t see the hate behind the words. Even if they are being laughed at, I hope they won’t see it that way. Because, if they don’t, it will never hurt them!
July 11, 2012 at 10:00 am
One step at a time. Exactly.
July 9, 2012 at 5:49 pm
Oh wow, you really got me with this one. I just don’t know. We talk about this at home too, what will happen in middle school? We’re going to have to stay very, very involved and visible at the school. That’s all we’ve got.
July 11, 2012 at 10:01 am
Middle school is my biggest fear. But yes…staying visible, and proactive, and working with the school and not against…yes…
It’s all so exhausting but necessary. Thank you.
July 10, 2012 at 7:42 am
You have built your Howie a village full of love. It cradles him and protects him. And if the jagged words or the painful sneers get past the walls of love then we are there to place the balm on the stinging wound. We are your love….Howie’s love…..and “that’s all you need”
July 11, 2012 at 10:01 am
Thank you. Very much.
July 11, 2012 at 9:30 am
I feel a fool typing this all over again, but I messed up trying to write my comment last time.
I just wanted to say thankyou. I’ve been reading your blog for the last couple of days, and went back and read some of the older posts. I just wanted to thankyou because it was comforting to hear somebody giving voice to some of my own feelings.
So thankyou :)
July 11, 2012 at 10:03 am
No, thank YOU for being here and reading. That means so much to me.