(this will be a post in two parts. Probably.)
It was about this time last year.
I couldn’t breathe.
I would feel it wash over me, covering me, suffocating me.
I couldn’t move. I couldn’t get dressed. I went through the motions of feeding and clothing the kids. I lost all interest in everything.
I cried. A lot. And was angry.
I didn’t know what it was. All I knew was that this wasn’t me.
It would come. And then it would go.
I would try to describe it to Tim but I couldn’t even find the words. We agreed that I would talk with my doctor at my annual checkup.
**********
I sat on the table in the doctor’s office, trying to describe what was going on.
“My hair is falling out. I’m not sleeping. I’m just feeling…out of sorts. Maybe it’s my thyroid? Or hormones out of whack? My youngest is two, maybe my body never bounced back?”
I couldn’t say what I needed to. I’m completely overwhelmed. I can’t breathe. I cry all. the. time.
“We can run all those tests,” she said. “We can rule out a thyroid or hormone level issue.”
Then she looked right at me.
“You’re a mom in your late thirties. You have three young boys, two of them with extra needs. You aren’t sleeping, you aren’t exercising. I bet everyone else’s needs come first.”
I nodded and looked at my feet.
“I bet there are moments when it feels like a wave coming on. You’re okay one moment, and not the next?”
Again, more nodding and feet looking.
“I can prescribe something for you to take when you start to feel like that. But you need to start taking care of you. Exercise. Even if it’s just running up and down the stairs when the kids are in the shower. You can’t do it all. No one expects you to.”
I walked out of there promising to think about the meds. I promised to start taking care of me.
That was a year ago.
**********
I’ve been able to manage the wave. So far.
I can feel it coming. My body tenses, my chest constricts. I yell more. I eat more.
Sometimes there are triggers. A call from school. A playdate that goes bad. Or good. A doctor’s appointment. A developmental evaluation form.
I know now that it will be short-lived and it will pass. So far.
**********
But I still haven’t been able to do the things for me.
I have three kids who are as different as day, night, and afternoon. They all have needs. They all have doctor’s appointments, therapy appointments. All need 100% of my time all the time.
I give that to them and more. And by the end of the day, there’s nothing left.
Tim described it like a raisin. I start the day like a grape. And slowly all the juice inside dries up, leaving me like a raisin by bedtime.
I have to get the juices back.
I’m not even talking spa vacation.
I’m talking eating lunch sitting down. Remembering to shower. Changing into pajamas before falling asleep.
Reading a book. Watching a movie with my husband.
A friend of mine proclaimed this the “Year of the Oxygen Mask” for her, meaning that it was time to remember that we need to be able to breathe if we’re going to help our kids stay afloat.
It’s the “Year of the Oxygen Mask” for me too.
Step one: making another appointment with my doctor.
**********
If you are feeling overwhelmed, panicked, paralyzed…remember that you are not alone. Read this brave post from my friend HERE. Or this from another incredible friend HERE. Or this raw, honest post from The Bloggess here.
It’s okay to talk about it. In fact, it’s necessary.
Reach out. Get help.
Put your oxygen mask on now.
“When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody’s help in anyway.
But now these days are gone, I’m not so self assured,
Now I find I’ve changed my mind, I’ve opened up the doors.
Help me if you can, I’m feeling down
And I do appreciate you being ’round.
Help me get my feet back on the ground,
Won’t you please, please help me?
And now my life has changed in oh so many ways,
My independence seems to vanish in the haze.
But every now and then I feel so insecure,
I know that I just need you like, I’ve never done before.” – Help by The Beatles
Try Defying Gravity 
January 4, 2012 at 3:47 pm
Oh, girl. ((hugs)) I’m crying “help,” too. *holdingyourhand*
January 4, 2012 at 3:52 pm
Good for you. You know what they say: If mama ain’t right, ain’t nobody right. Take care of you. Love and hugs, friend.
January 4, 2012 at 4:06 pm
Alysia,
I love all of your posts, but this one was amazing. I sometimes feel guilty when I run, but I have to do for my sanity. Before Christmas, when Emma was so sick again, I went to my doctor and talked to him about how I was feeling. He put me on Zoloft and an anti-anxiety medicine. I think it is starting to help. I don’t need the anxiety medicine as much as before. My struggles are different then yours but I really related to your whole post. Different circumstances, but the same anger and frustration I didn’t want to go on the medicine, but I hated how I was not enjoying my children’s joy and that broke my heart.
Talk to your docor, find time for yourself. I know it is easier said then done, but you are the only you they have and they do need you!!
I am lucky to call you my friend!!
They are lucky to call you Mom!!
January 4, 2012 at 4:09 pm
I have been moved to tears by your post and Jess post today. Thank you for your courage to share. Your beautiful honesty is a gift to me. So I thank you!! My wish my prayer for you tonight is that you get those pj’s on and that you might just curl up and watch a good old chick flick…..thinking of you and sending thoughts of peace and taking care of yourself….
January 4, 2012 at 4:19 pm
First thing’s first… (hugs). I’m here for you if you need me, lady. You know that.
And you know what? The place where you are? There are way more of us out there who know that place all too well. It’s that place where “she needs me” meets “I just can’t.” These past few days with all the IEP stuff going on and with Little Miss being sick have been stuck-in-the-middle days for me. Just pushing through with one makes me all the more humbled by what you do with three.
Hang in there, Alysia. And if you want to talk, you know where to find me.
January 4, 2012 at 4:38 pm
Oh, Alysia, as usual you have somehow managed to make me feel like you are writing about ME. I am so sorry you are dealing with this, but oh, wow, am I grateful for your honesty, because you make me feel so much less alone and less inadequate. That maybe this is normal, feeling this overwhelmed and sad, sometimes. And that it’s okay to take time for myself. Thank you.
As I have said so many times before, I so wish I lived close to you. I would love to go for a walk and commiserate or rant….. I could really use that, actually.
January 4, 2012 at 4:47 pm
I think this is such an important & honest post, along with your friends’ posts you’ve included. You are incredibly strong to ask for help. Thanks for writing this just when I needed to help myself. Sending positive thoughts toward us all finding more strength and happiness in this new year. hugs.
January 4, 2012 at 5:26 pm
Little by little, step by step our stories come into the light. And so do we.
I love you.
I’m here.
Me too.
January 4, 2012 at 6:50 pm
It’s funny how we can recognise ourselves in a blog such as this. I am also at this stage as I have been there many times before. How did people cope before us is what I want to know. Don’t be scared to take the tablets, they do help lots and when you have been able to feel better, stay on them a little longer because it’s ok to need help and feel like a human being again ( have been there myself). My last stint I was on them for a few years and felt much better for it, I seemed to have levelled out somehow with my emotions. Good luck.
January 4, 2012 at 7:15 pm
HUGS! I get this….God KNOWS I do. “Year of the Oxygen Mask” will hopefully be in full effect. I’m proud and inspired by you.
January 4, 2012 at 8:27 pm
I often read your blog but haven’t left a comment until today. (I’m a faithful reader & commenter on Karla’s Dryer Vent blog, just so you know how I found you. I have a 5 year old daughter who has autism and is nonverbal)
I just wanted to let you know that I understand how you feel. I reached the point where I could no longer “manage the wave” and I got help, calling my OB/GYN who quickly came to my rescue.
I’m a Baptist preacher’s wife so I think one of the reasons I waited so long to seek help is for the simple reason that I thought I should be able to handle everything – my faith should be strong enough to get me through.
I felt like such a failure – for about 2 days. Then the medication kicked in and I felt like a new woman. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that depression is a cause for medical treatment just like the flu is.
The Year of the Oxygen Mask – I like it. And I have a feeling this is going to be a great year for you…..
January 4, 2012 at 9:23 pm
Hugs to you! I’m right there too…just had an appointment today with my doctor and started taking antidepressants. But she wouldn’t prescribe until I promised to also go to counseling. She said with all I deal with (and that goes for all us moms!) it’s crucial to have support from an unbiased party–someone who not only won’t judge you, but also won’t empathize so much that you wallow in your combined self-pity. I have to follow up with her in a few weeks, so she’s holding me accountable 🙂 And of course, she said to squeeze in some exercise and eat right and all that…when I have the time. So many of us are dealing with these feelings and with putting everyone else’s needs before their own…I was trying to write my own blog post about this earlier today, and you put into words how I’m feeling so perfectly! I really hope you’re feeling better soon!
January 4, 2012 at 9:54 pm
[…] known as putting your own oxygen mask on first. Changes I have already started making will become even more intentional this year. I’ve […]
January 4, 2012 at 10:06 pm
1. you leave out that besides your family you also jump in to help others with lifelines when they need it. you gave me one amazing treat lifeline for 2 .5 hours (house w no kids) that felt like a week’s vacation.
2. about a year ago now I went to my dr and said I want to be the best mom I can be and I know I’m drowning. That was the best humble thing Ive ever done. medication makes me level out my anxiety not change who I am :). and friends that support me no matter what help push me to the next level. I encourage all folks to speak out to trusted friend, in person or on line and to feel comfortable knowing yourself and asking a dr for help.
January 4, 2012 at 11:05 pm
A raisin huh? That’s no good… raisins are wrinkled messes, and you don’t want that, my friend. Forget exercise. What you need is a night away. A retreat of some kind. Two nights if you can manage it. Think about it. There is only one you. And your family needs you to be the best you there is, not some wrinkly raisin!
(Like how I’m telling you what to do?!? Sorry for the bossiness!)
January 5, 2012 at 12:35 am
Stormtrooper hugs just aren’t going to cut it for this one, are they? I wish I could fly in on my Millennium Falcon and squeeze some juice back into you. I felt this way at times over the last few years, but made some positive changes since coming here, and they really did help. Exercising (when the kids are in school), getting a babysitter, and just letting myself read a non-autism book or watch some TV have done wonders for me. Maybe you need to set yourself some Individual Enjoyment Plan goals and adhere to them as you would if they were for your boys. Treat Yo’self the way *I* think you deserve.
January 5, 2012 at 11:35 pm
This was soooo me I was there in that place 3 years ago. I joined a therapy group and started going through junk from my past it really helped me it was an outlet something I was doing for me. I learned to take me time. Sending boy to bed and having daddy stay in the house while I had Hot Tub Time for an hour or more with a few girlfriends. Or Daddy and Little Man rent a movie and I go to sushi with a friend. I understand though with 3 I am sure it is a lot more difficult to find time. But I hope you work it in you’re the only mommy they have 🙂
January 5, 2012 at 11:56 pm
This, this, this thing that you wrote, it is leaving me speechless, it’s so good, so true. It’s like reading a hug. A big ol’ group hug for all special-needs parents around the world. Thanks.
January 6, 2012 at 8:01 am
Alysia, I read this yesterday but didn’t leave a comment because I was crying, and then, well, you know, busy, busy, busy. And this morning I am rushing around hurrying to get the boys off to school, and know that there is so much I want to say to you here, but have neither the time nor composure right now to sit and pen my thoughtful response. But I wanted to make sure you knew that I had been here, read this, see and hear you, relate completely and send you love.
January 6, 2012 at 8:03 am
This is so true. I do this too. In my case, my thyroid and other health issues aren’t helping matters, but when it comes down to it, I’m last on my “to do” list. I had something more poignant in my head, but lack of sleep combined with a 5yo going “mom, mom, mom, mom…” made me lose it. Just know you’re not alone.
January 6, 2012 at 8:05 am
This is a really good post. And an important and (I think) true message. You have to take care of yourself to take care of your kids. It’s just REALLY hard sometimes. Hang in there.
January 6, 2012 at 8:35 am
Thank you for taking off the cape. Takes far more strength to be Clark Kent than Superman. You aren’t alone (hugs).
January 6, 2012 at 10:49 am
I’ve found I’m better when I take time for me. In the end, I do MORE for my little monsters when I’ve taken some time for myself. I’m happier, they’re happier. A hobby has worked for me for quite a while now. An exercise class has sometimes worked. When my hubby sees me getting short and overwhelmed (bless his heart!), he makes sure I take a “mom break” . . . . sends me off to a fav store, to run errands, to sit in the park, or just drive. I don’t always want to go, but I’m always glad I did.
January 6, 2012 at 3:17 pm
Oh my friend. I could have written this. Every last word, every wave, every ounce of it. You are so not alone in this and yet it makes me mad that anyone else has to feel this way.
January 6, 2012 at 3:56 pm
Whoa…one thing I admire about your writing is how honest and raw and poignant you are. It’s something so many of us feel but don’t always put out there. I think the sentence that got me the most was ‘sitting down to eat.’ I understand every single word and emotion. Thank you for writing this. There is a woman reading it right now who needs to know she is not alone.
January 6, 2012 at 4:53 pm
Cheering you on. You are so worthy. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
January 7, 2012 at 12:27 am
Darlin,
You reached into my brain and wrote everything that’s going on, and everything that I feel. Only *I* thought I was having a heart attack. Several times. You’re inspirational. Thanks for that. I DO wish my hair would stop falling out, though…..
January 7, 2012 at 3:26 am
(((hugs)))
Believe it or not my 4 year old Aspie son was the one to call me out on my depression. I was having an awful day and half sighed / half screamed in frustration. It was enough to get his attention – he said “Mommys sad” I quickly said “no Mommys happy, Mommys always happy cause I’m with you.” …
He matter of factly looked right at me and said “HAPPY PEOPLE SMILE MOM” Wow. That was it – I went on to have word for word the same experience as you in the doctors office.
Sorry so long – thank you for this. You’ll help more people than youll ever know.
January 7, 2012 at 7:01 am
Yes.
January 7, 2012 at 12:19 pm
[…] writing. Really, that’s when I SHOULD write. There is a bunch of talk in twitter land about helping yourself – a.k.a. putting on your own oxygen mask and it has made me think. Once in a while, I should do what I need. I usually leave my own needs […]
January 7, 2012 at 10:48 pm
I think these feelings are extraordinarily common for Special Moms. After running a support group myself, I think antidepressants and/or anti-anxiety medications are the norm for us. Personally, I don’t remember life without them but I’ve lived with the stress so long, I’m not sure how I supposed to feel anymore!
January 11, 2012 at 1:44 pm
[…] two in the Year of the Oxygen Mask series. I think there may be more […]
January 11, 2012 at 10:08 pm
Yes, we all have to take care of ourselves. Being one of the older autism parents, I am glad you are figuring this out early. Believe me I know how hard it is to find the time. I still struggle with this, but the reality is when we are injuried or ill our families fall apart. We cannot not afford to ignore our health.
January 13, 2012 at 11:10 pm
[…] Help (trydefyinggravity.wordpress.com) […]
August 2, 2012 at 8:30 am
[…] read a post from a fellow special needs momma I will never forget about putting on your oxygen mask and then another from an amazing talent about cherishing friendship and the two swirled in my head […]
August 2, 2012 at 6:23 pm
Just visiting from Four Plus an Angel and I’m so glad I did. Lovely post and I can see why it helped. I will remember this also and I hope, hope, hope you’ve got your mask firmly in place.