This is a post in two parts.
Part One: September 25, 2011
Watch out. I’m going to whine.
Today was the 12th Annual Flutie Foundation 5K. It’s a race I ran last year. My first 5K ever.
It was also the last time my running shoes were on my feet.
I have a lot of friends who ran today. Friends I ran with last year and some friends running it for the first time today. When they signed up for the race, my name was included on the e-mails about registration, carpooling, etc.
Each time I wrote back that I wouldn’t be there.
My friends were awesome, even threatening to kidnap me out of the house and train with me. I laughed, knowing that they were only partly kidding. I want to, I’d say, but I just can’t.
I had a million excuses. It was too hot or too cold. I had no childcare. I had no sleep.
Truth is, I just couldn’t get myself out of the house. I was stuck. Paralyzed again by everything that had happened this year. Strapping on my running shoes just didn’t seem like the answer. I was just too tired.
I struggled with this every time they would run by the house or saw their daily run times posts on Facebook. These were autism moms too. How are they not tired like me? What is getting them up and out to run when it’s all I can do to just get up and out of bed?
As the race date got closer and closer, I got more and more depressed. Here was a foundation I believed in – an organization founded by Doug Flutie in honor of his son – doing amazing work in our community. They give out grants to school districts and organizations to help kids just like mine. I had even planned to approach our school to help apply for one of those grants to get a social skills group in our community.
I couldn’t even find time to work on that grant. I couldn’t find the time to do anything this year.
Running that race last October was the last thing I remember doing just for me. It was my accomplishment and mine alone. I trained for that run alone. My kids were proud of me, and still talk about it. Like “Remember when Mom ran that race and didn’t win? She still got a T-shirt!” It was my Hopeful Parents post for October 2010.
What have I done since then? For me?
Yes, I know I have been taking care of three amazing children, each with their own demands on my time. Since that race, we received one more autism spectrum disorder diagnosis, transitioned one kid to kindergarten, and discovered new anxieties and worries in our fourth grader. I’ve walked the dog several hundred times, cleaned up the same Hot Wheels cars a thousand times, and stared at piles of laundry for days.
But the only accomplishment that I can point to that was just for me was completing all the levels on Angry Birds. And even that, Tim helped me.
Seeing the race photos today from my friends hit me harder than I thought it would. On each of them I wrote: YAY! Good for you! and So sad I wasn’t there with you today.
I need to get back the “something just for me”. It may not be running at this point. But it has to be something. This “nothing”…just isn’t working.
Part Two: September 26, 2011
I put two kids on their buses. Took one kid to preschool.
I went to the closet and pulled out my running shoes, grabbed my iPod and headphones, and headed out the door.
The air was thick with heat and humidity already. I clicked through to my running playlist.
The opening notes to “Hannah Jane” by Hootie and the Blowfish filled my ears. And off I went.
A jog. A slow slow jog. Down the sidewalk, avoiding the cracks and the acorns and the fallen branches. Behind me, toilets that needed to be cleaned, a floor that hasn’t been washed in weeks, and dishes that needed to be put away.
In front of me, nothing.
I was alone, just me and my music. Together again for the first time in a year.
It’s not the solution to my problems. But it’s a start.
If you’ll excuse me, I have sore feet to soak. And a bruised self-esteem to fix.
**********
Click HERE to learn more about the Doug Flutie, Jr. Foundation for Autism and all the great work they do. They are involved in this cool project called “Hacking Autism“, working together with Autism Speaks and Hewlett-Packard to create new apps for people living with autism. You can send in your ideas for apps right to them.
And definitely click HERE for the most amazing video made by my incredible friend. She’s running in the NYC marathon this November in honor of her kids, my kids, and the thousands of other people with autism spectrum disorder. You may recognize a few incredible cute faces in the video. She is a true inspiration to me and someday I hope to be like her.
“Ain’t nothin’ gonna break my stride
Nobody’s gonna slow me down, oh-no
I got to keep on moving
Ain’t nothin’ gonna break my stride
I’m running and I won’t touch ground
Oh-no, I got to keep on moving” – Break My Stride by Matthew Wilder
September 26, 2011 at 9:37 am
Oh girl. Self care is the hardest thing in the world to find time and energy for, yet one of the most important. Good for you for making the effort.
September 26, 2011 at 10:12 am
Thank you. It’s weird, taking care of myself. What is that??? 🙂
September 26, 2011 at 9:40 am
Rock on, sister! I’m also re-starting running and it’s good. It’s really, really good.
It’s amazing how good physical exercise can feel. I hope it sticks for both of us.
As a matter of fact, I have to go get on my treadmill right now.
September 26, 2011 at 10:18 am
It is really good. I haven’t had any coffee yet this morning and I’m usually on cup #2 by now. Weird. Glad I have a partner in this 🙂 YAY us!
September 26, 2011 at 9:42 am
I’m really glad you’re getting back to something that you loved, but it’s not entirely true that you’ve only been cleaning up hot wheels and playing Angry Birds. You’ve been managing your own blog, writing at Hopeful Parents, starting and managing the SPD Blogger network, contributing to books that have been published lately, organizing a team for the Autism Speaks walk… In short, you’ve been pretty stinkin’ amazing in my book. Maybe all of those things weren’t just for you, but it’s a good bit more than just sitting on the couch making excuses.
I’m glad you’re carving out you time that’s really important, but don’t sell yourself short. You’re an inspiration to many of us out here. 🙂
September 26, 2011 at 10:19 am
oh Laura. now I’m crying through my sweat 🙂
Thank you so much. That means a lot. Thank you.
September 26, 2011 at 9:53 am
I ran (well, jogged, well, limped) today too. It was good, it was weird, it was exhausting. You’re awesome, and you’ll find your thing, I know it.
September 26, 2011 at 10:19 am
It was good weird and exhausting. Yup – sums up my morning too! Just wish you weren’t so far away so we could do this together 🙂
September 26, 2011 at 12:24 pm
Exactly what Laura said.
I’m glad you went out there when it was what you needed. We work so hard to make sure we do everything for our families that we tend to forget that in order to be able to do that, we have to take care of us, too, and find whatever that thing is.
I’m still looking for my release as well, but I just went and smacked a tennis ball against a wall for an hour. I so needed it!
September 26, 2011 at 4:01 pm
I can imagine that felt very good!! It’s kind of how I feel playing angry birds. but without the actual exercise 🙂
September 26, 2011 at 12:47 pm
As always…you’re an inspiration.
September 26, 2011 at 4:01 pm
thanks mom 🙂
September 26, 2011 at 12:50 pm
Remember, just like our children, we all do things in our own time and when we are ready. Yesterday wasn’t your day; today is!
Enjoy that moment and give yourself the freedom to enjoy that accomplishment free from judgement.
September 26, 2011 at 4:02 pm
absolutely right. It’s hard in the moment to remember that everything has a time and place to happen. I can try to remember it for our kids, it’s hard to remember it for me. Thank you.
September 26, 2011 at 1:04 pm
You rock…so proud of you! I will try to do something for me too and run this 5K with you next year 🙂
September 26, 2011 at 4:03 pm
You will??? Really?? Now remember, this is in writing 🙂 We’ll give it a shot together. And if not, I know a great place we can go for drinks instead 🙂
September 26, 2011 at 1:30 pm
I agree with Laura-wow-you are amazing.
I so get how sometimes it is so hard to drag your body out of your messy house and exercise – but it’s never the wrong thing to do-it always helps me.
So glad you were able to do something just for you today.
September 26, 2011 at 4:04 pm
Thanks Dana! I read your posts and remind myself to get centered again, with the focus on me helping us all. It’s hard, but we have to try.
September 26, 2011 at 3:01 pm
This is great….and motivating! If you want to try walking together again, I’m game.
September 26, 2011 at 3:47 pm
Run. For you. Just you. Because you are so worth it, my friend.
xoxooxoxox
September 26, 2011 at 4:04 pm
I will run for me. Because if I ran with you, you’d leave me in the dust 🙂 Thank you for the daily inspiration to get up and get out.
September 27, 2011 at 5:57 am
So proud of you!!!! Thank you for also helping me feel not so alone when I am worn down and sad and do not take the time to take care of myself. You inspire me to “just do it” I thank you!!
September 27, 2011 at 9:07 am
Good on you! Sometimes I wish I was into an athletic activity… it sounds so soul-cleansing. But I guess that’s what my crochet is for too.
I’m glad you’re getting back to you and taking that time for yourself! Now, go get ’em girl!
September 27, 2011 at 11:30 am
Good for you! Running alone sounds heavenly. I’m with my kids 24/7 with a few exceptions a year. After wallowing in self-pity about that for way too long, I’ve decided I can still do a bit of self-care with them tagging along. Is it the same? Not exactly, but it’s a start. We started the couch-to-5k program last week. I’m not sure how it’s going to work out as the weeks turn to more running/less walking and a lot more whining, but for now at least I’m doing *something* that is because I want to do it.
September 27, 2011 at 2:42 pm
Good for you! You DO need to do something just for you! Showing my age I know but I just knew your song lyric at the end would be that song…I looked there first! Love it.
xx Jazzy
October 2, 2011 at 9:35 pm
Good for you! I really think I understand what you’re feeling. Lately, I have felt really bogged down by my kids’ needs and all that has to be done. I can’t think of the last thing I did just for me. Really, it scares me. I have been exercising, so there is that, but I haven’t been super dedicated. You have inspired me, though. I will be working out this week. Dirty toilets be damned!
October 5, 2011 at 9:35 am
you are one helluva woman Alysia
October 8, 2011 at 8:52 am
Yep, running is no motivator for me. I don’t enjoy it, so I’m not gonna flog myself for it. IF it’s something you enjoy, I hope you find time for it. If it’s not, though, sweetie, go easy on yourself. It’s not a bad thing. ((You’re still an awesome person.))
Now if I just had time to dance ….