I’ve been finding that lately I’ve been in a bit of a funk.
I seemed to be mired in all things autism lately. So much of what I read and write is about my son and his issues caused by his autism, and how it affects him and our family. There are some days that it feels like it’s all I talk about or read. Many of blogs I read are autism-related, and 90% of the people I follow on Twitter are involved in some aspect of autism education or awareness (the other 10% are the cast members of Glee). It’s not surprising that this is my focus, considering this is my life 24 hours a day, and I learn a tremendous amount from all the information I read.
Sometimes, though, I need a break. And I’m guessing that people reading this might need one too. Sometimes I just need to pull myself out of that world and into another one, even if for a moment.
So I decided that I would start a series of posts here called “The B Sides”. I may be dating myself here, but “B Sides” were the flip side of record singles when they were released on 45s. They were usually the songs that the artists were attached to, but the record companies didn’t think were as radio friendly as the A side. Famous B sides include “Ruby Tuesday” by The Rolling Stones and “Rock Around the Clock” by Bill Haley and His Comets.
My B Sides are going to be stories about my favorite memories, ones that have had a lasting impact on my life. I’m going to try to write a “B Side” at least once a month. It may be more if I need it.
So for my first B Side: Squirrels In My Pants.
It’s 1994 and my family is at the Grand Canyon. My sister, brother and I had never been there before, so while on a family vacation to Las Vegas, we decided to take a side trip to this amazing place. It had been quite a journey to get there, complete with my father sitting in the front of the tiny 8 passenger plane to balance out the weight and my sister vomiting into a sock halfway through the flight.
I remember standing near the rail of the canyon with my family along side several other tourists who had been smart enough to take a bus there. There were a few other families walking around, snapping pictures of each other with this unbelievable wonder of the world behind them. And because we were outside there was plenty of wildlife around. In particular, squirrels.
As we were all admiring the view from the rim of the canyon, a family near us caught my mother’s eye. She was watching them intently with this worried look on her face. The kids were crouched down on the ground with little bits of food in their hands trying to feed the squirrels. Their parents were watching, laughing and encouraging them.
My mom was standing there saying under her breath: “Don’t do that. Squirrels Bite”.
She was dying to go over there and say something to the parents. The words would have been nicer (because she’s a nice person) but she wanted to tell them something like “How could you let your kids do that? Are you crazy?”
We stopped her.
We all convinced her that it wasn’t her place to say anything. The squirrels weren’t really going over to the kids, and it just wasn’t her business to butt in. And of course, we laughed, because while it was just like my mom to want to go over and protect those kids, the only words she could get out were:
“But squirrels bite!”
“Squirrels bite” became a catch phrase for our family from that point on, and still is. We use it as a reminder whenever one of us wants to butt in to someone else’s business. And after almost 15 years as a member of our family, my husband says it now too. It’s just part of our language now. It’s also a reminder of one of our last family vacations together, before we became adults and before my dad passed away.
Last week, I had a conversation with two friends that reminded me of this memory. Both of these two friends have older kids on the spectrum. We were talking about Howie and one of them asked me when I started to really notice that things were different with him. I went back and forth a bit and I said that even though I knew early on that his sensory stuff was out of whack, I didn’t start to see other things until he was about two. These friends have known Howie since he was little, and they said they saw it, maybe even before I really knew. I asked them why neither of them said anything to me about. They said they didn’t think it was their place to come out and say it. They didn’t know how I would react, and they both saw that I was already doing the things necessary to figure it all out. Independently, they decided that the best thing for them to do was to help guide me and answer my questions, but never come out and say “hey – I think your kid is autistic.”
And they are right. I’m not sure how I would have reacted at that time to hearing that, even though I probably knew in the back of my head that it was true. It was something that we had to find out for ourselves.
Classic “squirrels bite”. They were both dying to say something, wanting to comfort me and let me know I wasn’t alone. But it wasn’t their place to say it. Just like those kids at the Grand Canyon, I had to put the food in my hands and get bit.
I find myself in that same situation every now and again. I see a child at the playground or the baseball field and I recognize the behaviors and mannerisms. I see the dark circles under eyes of his parents. But I don’t say anything. It’s not my place.
But you might see me on the bench at the playground whispering “squirrels bite”. Because they do, you know. Just ask my mom.
(and I know I said I was getting away from all things autism here on The B Sides, but it still seeped in, just like in my real life. I’ll try harder next month.)
—————————————————————————————
“There are squirrels in my pants!
Tell me what’s makin’ you jump like that!
S-I-M-P, Squirrels in my pants!
Ain’t got no chickens,
Ain’t got no rats…
S-I-M-P,
Squirrels in my pants!” – Squirrels In My Pants by Phineas and Ferb
October 27, 2010 at 11:49 pm
Cute. Thanks for sharing that. It was wonderful. 🙂
October 28, 2010 at 12:15 am
What a great memory for you to have! I love your stories and the way you express your feelings. Looking forward to hearing many more of “the B sides!”
October 28, 2010 at 12:17 am
That was my favorite post of yours so far!
That catch phrase ” but squirrels bite” is fantastic!
And it’s true too. I also seem to have my autism goggles permanently attached to my face *sigh*
Oh yeah…..when I was growing up, there was a girl called Janet that all the boys called a bush pig. ( not sure if that’s just an Aussie thing or not but it is a harmless term of endearment for a girl that’s a little bit rough around the edges).
And there is also another saying “sweating like a bush pig”
Anyway, one of my friends was getting married and while he was waiting up the front of the church he was sweating profusely and he turned to a group of us and said ” Man, It’s hot in here, I’m sweating like Janet!”…..
And it stuck…..
Years and years later, I still say it and now my hubby and my sister’s hubby also do and neither of them ever met Janet or know who she is!!!
October 28, 2010 at 7:19 am
I just woke up my whole house laughing. I’m sweating like Janet. That is so funny (well, not to her I guess 🙂 )
October 28, 2010 at 3:26 am
I am so there with you on all of this. Seems like autism just seeps into everything, even when I’m trying to have an autism-free day or simple conversation. And as for recognizing the kids on the playground, etc. – yikes! It’s like this radar we have, we can spot them a mile away. Yeah I engage in a lot of tongue biting myself, because I am naturally a wee bit of a busy-body.
I don’t know what I am going to do about my niece by marriage. She just had twin boys and I’m terrified. She has a brother on the spectrum and her father (my husband’s brother) was very dyslexic and has sensory issues, add in her first cousins, all 3 of whom have issues (2 with ADD, 1 with autism). So I feel like her kids are neurological time bombs. I am just about 100% certain that at least one of her boys (and probably both) will be non-typical and how do I balance her need to not know with my need to help those boys get the interventions they need as early as they need it? I probably have a few months before this comes up, but I’m nervous as a cat about it.
Great post. Thanks for being such a thoughtful writer.
October 28, 2010 at 7:45 am
I wish I knew the answer to this one. I know exactly what you mean. I’ve decided to follow the wisdom of my friends and say nothing “explicitly” but more “implicitly”. I share stories, gentle nods, and I might mention a book or two that I’ve read…
I think of it like this – no one wanted to hear that they were dating someone awful or not right for them, so no matter how many times you told your friend that her boyfriend was a rat, she wouldn’t listen. And she hates you. Until SHE realized her boyfriend was a rat. And then she thanks you later 🙂
October 28, 2010 at 7:43 am
Wonderful post, Alysia. Yes, it just pervades, doesn’t it?
I have a similar situation, and I’m desperate to shout about the dangers of squirrel bites. Instead, I’m trying to contain myself to stories of how squirrels have bitten my children, and how the first aid they received is really helping them.
Okay, that analogy went too far and it no longer makes sense. My instinct is to be more like your mother, and I’m trying to curb that.
October 28, 2010 at 7:54 am
I love how you took that analogy and ran with it! It’s great!
and you’re right. I think it’s all we can do. Because even if the squirrel does bit, it’s not going to kill them (well, unless the squirrel has rabies I suppose…oh, this isn’t going well…)
October 28, 2010 at 11:21 am
I think you need to write a book. You are such an amazing writer. Your words flow so easily and carry me along. I never want to stop reading. And at the end of your posts, I am always sad that they are over. I love the B sides. Both the metaphor and the old records!! Thanks for bringing back some great memories for me. And yes, squirrels bite is a great way of expressing that truth. There are many times when I’d love to butt into someone’s life, but I back off instead and let them have their own journey. Now I know what to call this! Adorable. xoxoxoxoxo
October 28, 2010 at 4:30 pm
Naomi, you are too sweet. Thank you.
October 28, 2010 at 11:22 am
PS Thanks so much for your very kind comments on my SK articles. You are such a great support to me!! I really appreciate you.
October 28, 2010 at 2:04 pm
I often question the definition of my blog. Is it a sewing blog? A mommy blog? An Autism blog? My current conclusion is it’s my blog, and I am all those things. So if it seems random sometimes, well, so am I!
October 28, 2010 at 2:19 pm
I love your blog. Don’t change a thing!!
alysia
October 28, 2010 at 6:50 pm
Oh, I love the idea of your b sides! It is nice to mix it up a bit! It is a lovely memory you have and what a catch phrase. I have definitely had my share of “Squirrels bites” moments….
xx Jazzy
October 30, 2010 at 9:07 pm
I think we all have! It’s hard to keep my mouth shut! 🙂
October 28, 2010 at 9:15 pm
“The B Sides” – I think that’s a fabulous. We all need to remember that we are still people – in addition to being parents of children with disabilities.
Thanks for sharing that memory:)
October 28, 2010 at 9:35 pm
Thanks everyone for your stories and your encouragement of The B Sides. My memory is getting fuzzy as I get old, so if I don’t write them down now, I’ll forget them all!!
October 29, 2010 at 9:09 am
What a great memory. I totally understand how you feel about trying to write something else. Lately I have been trying it. I want to really write a post on how I have felt this week but I just can’t put it together to make sense. Thanks for joining in the blog hop.
October 30, 2010 at 9:08 pm
Thanks for doing the blog hop too! I think many of us are having a no good, very bad week (or two). It’s time to get out of the funk.
October 29, 2010 at 11:29 am
It’s so true that this Autism stuff takes over our lives. It’s all we talk about some days, all we think about most days. Good for you for trying to shift your focus. This is actually a pretty great way to relieve some stress (which is the special needs blog hop topic this week- and that’s how I got here!).
I try to blog about things other than ASD every so often, too!
October 30, 2010 at 9:09 pm
I thought writing these would be a good way to relieve stress (which is why I linked it up w/the blog hop). I love reading your blog and all the different things you write.
October 29, 2010 at 6:46 pm
I LOVE the song “Squirrels in my pants”!
October 30, 2010 at 9:26 am
Ha! This post brought back such memories. When I was a kid we went to Colorado for summer vacation and stupid me decided to feed the chipmunks…guess who got bit!
I also blog about things other than ASD when the mood hits me…I think its good for our soul and our readers!
October 30, 2010 at 9:10 pm
aaaah! chipmunks bite too!
I really enjoy your blog and all the things you write. It is good for our soul.
October 30, 2010 at 9:35 am
HI there, found your post on Twitter when Sunday tweeted about it. I completely understand the feeling about your son’s autism. It is much the same for me with my son who is bipolar. Life revolves around keeping him in control and from spinning into a cycle that leaves him and us battered, bruised and exhausted mentally and physically. God bless you and your children as you travel this road together.
I love the but squirrels bite phrase I have several family members that could benefit from that knowledge if you catch my drift
October 30, 2010 at 9:14 pm
I totally catch your drift and I’m so sorry. Life is all about your kid when you have one with special needs and is all consuming. You have my utmost respect for what you do everyday.
October 30, 2010 at 10:56 am
Thanks for giving me something to repeat to myself when I’m biting my tongue with a stranger in whose child I see screaming red flags for SPD.
One of my dearest friends who used to work with autistic children is going nuts. Her brother adopted a baby (from their estranged sister, who had abused him). The boy is about 5 and doesn’t just show “signs” of austism, he is apparently hugely, blatantly, screamingly autistic. And since the brother and his wife have chosen not to vaccinate, they seem to think this means they never have to do any well baby pediatric visits. They’re in ever possible kinds of denial (he’s nonverbal at 5, for one.) She has gently brought her concerns to her brother’s attention a few times (sort of her place, because she was instrumental in placing the child with him) and has been rebuffed so drastically they are now threatening to never let her see him again. I think it’s a strong example to me of how dramatically people react to any suggestion their child has a problem, even if it’s from a credible source.
In my case it was my dearest closest BFF who brought the autism concerns to me and wouldn’t let me put it off or go into denial (which is exactly what I was doing). But I think ours was an isolated case where pushing like that was acceptable – she’s practically another mom to him and I trust her opinion almost more than my husband’s.
October 30, 2010 at 9:16 pm
ay yiyi Michelle! ugh. what a story. that’s a hard one – I don’t know how you keep quiet with this one but it sounds like it doesn’t matter who they heard it from. sigh.
on the flip side, I’m glad you had someone you trust come to you. I think that makes all the difference.
October 31, 2010 at 3:23 pm
Great post! It is so hard sometimes for me to keep quiet when I see behaviors that suggest SPD or autism, but you’re right: it’s not my place!
December 9, 2010 at 9:24 am
[…] started these posts back in October when I decided I needed to write about something else besides “all things autism”. My […]
January 16, 2011 at 11:50 am
This post is wonderful! Two great reminders–we do have things we need to cultivate besides autism, and SQUIRRELS BITE!!!
January 17, 2011 at 2:05 pm
thank you 🙂
January 16, 2011 at 3:56 pm
I loved reading this post! I wish more people would remember that squirrels bite and just let everyone else be 🙂
January 17, 2011 at 2:04 pm
thank you 🙂 it’s hard to stand back sometimes but it’s worse to butt in where we don’t belong.
January 16, 2011 at 4:09 pm
What a great post. I’m totally taking that phrase and giving it a southern hemisphere airing – not that we have too many squirrels down here. But it’s a great sentiment! And I really want to know – did those kids get bitten?
January 17, 2011 at 2:04 pm
No, they didn’t get bit (as far as I know!) I’d love to know how you take the phrase and make it fit for you! Let me know!
January 17, 2011 at 6:12 pm
Hi, I’m here from blog gems. It’s funny, as I have no personal experience of autism, but obviously because Jen’s blog has an autism thread, lots of these other blogs do, so I’m learning a lot all at once!
The way autism ‘seeps into everything’ for you, and even into a post that was specifically supposed to avoid it – do you think that mothers of autistic children have a harder time ‘defining’ themselves and taking ‘me time’ than mothers in general? I ask because it’s a challenge that’s been bothering me lately, trying to keep hold of ‘me’ amongst the roles of mother and wife, and I suppose it must be even harder for you when your child has such specific needs that you dedicate yourself to knowing (as in, the little quirks and the big-picture science).
In summary (lol) – I really enjoyed your post. 🙂
January 17, 2011 at 6:52 pm
Hi! I’m so glad you stopped by!
I think ALL mothers have a hard time defining themselves, because of something we think we’re supposed to be but can’t always live up to. I think that mothers with special needs kids have the added guilt of wondering if we’re ever doing enough for our kids, plus the worry of wondering if our kids will be okay when we’re not around. II know that every parent experiences those fears, but with special needs kids, it’s compounded 100 times. And I think we feel the need to be “on” 24/7, because we think that no one else can do it like we can. It’s not true, of course, but it’s the way I feel somedays. So there’s no good break, because at any moment, things could change.
I can’t wait to check out your blog! Thanks for the comment!
January 21, 2011 at 10:02 am
I really like that saying. I think you friends would have said something if they felt you weren’t on the right track. I said something to a friend, she was on the right track and had an initial assessment done and then backpeddled so I told her I felt she should keep going and honestly, I did it with caring but, um, not sure she is my friend anymore. I may as well have just come out and told here that her son is autistic because there is no doubt. I did what I felt was right at the time, she just got scared I think, that is why she stopped pursuing it *sigh* Sorry, didn’t mean to blab all that out! Jen
January 21, 2011 at 11:59 am
I think you’re right, and I’m sorry that your friend isn’t your friend anymore. She’s missing out on having such an important and loving person in her life who could be her guide. I think you did the right thing. I’m in a similar situation now too, and I’m trying to figure out the right words…
February 14, 2011 at 1:45 pm
[…] It’s pretty clear from some of my last posts that I need to take a break from all things autism once again. It’s time for a B Side. […]
April 30, 2012 at 6:10 am
[…] of “Try Defying Gravity”) is “Squirrels In My Pants”, thanks to a post I wrote using that song. I feel terrible for the people looking for Phineas and Ferb who have […]
April 30, 2012 at 6:31 am
[…] of “Try Defying Gravity”) is “Squirrels In My Pants”, thanks to a post I wrote using that song. I feel terrible for the people looking for Phineas and Ferb who have […]