I am not a “hugger”.
I’ve never been one, either. I’m not sure why. I’m just not a fan. When someone comes up to give me a hug, I can feel my body stiffen. It doesn’t matter if it’s a close relative or an acquaintance, it’s just not something I’m comfortable with. I have learned to cope with it but it’s not my favorite way to greet someone.
I’ve understand now that I’m what is called a “sensory avoider”. I don’t like being touched or standing in a crowded room. Places like Costco and Wal-Mart make me want to run for the hills. I may end up paying more for diapers, but it’s better than having a panic attack next to the giant packages of paper towels.
My son Howie, on the other hand, is a hugger. A huge hugger. I haven’t officially kept track, but there are days when it feels like he has asked for about a thousand hugs. And all from me.
See the tabloid headline now: “Sensory avoider gives birth to sensory seeking kid!”. I don’t remember learning about this possibility when studying genetics in high school. Considering my husband is also a sensory avoider, we must both be carriers of the sensory-seeking gene.
Howie’s been a sensory seeker since I can remember. It started mostly with sleep issues, with a constant need to be next to someone (me) while sleeping. He created a technique he called “tunneling” – meaning he would stick his hands into the side of my neck and ask me to press my head down into his hand. This is how he would fall asleep for about two years until we discovered that weighted blankets, body pillows and 2mg of melatonin did the trick, although I still have to lay next to him at night with my arms wrapped around him in a giant hug as he falls asleep. Sometimes when he has a hard time falling asleep or is uneasy in a situation, he still asks if he can “tunnel”. With me. And only me.
The hugs can interfere with our daily routine. I’m trying to change a diaper, and he needs a hug. I’m trying to make or eat breakfast/lunch/dinner and he needs a hug. There are days when he asks me for hugs for hours straight. I know others see it and think it’s cute. When we had the Children’s Hospital researchers here a few weeks ago, Howie was clearly uneasy about them being in our house. He asked me over and over again “Can I have a hug?”. He would say this as he was digging his legs into my lap and his hands into my neck. The researchers smiled and said “aw, that is adorable!”. It was all I could do not to scream.
How awful is that? My own kid’s hugs can make me want to scream.
But it’s because they are more than just hugs, as I tried to explain to the research team. It’s his cry for help.
I’ve learned to differentiate between different hug requests – ones for when he’s happy and proud, ones for when he’s bored, ones for when his body doesn’t feel right after something he ate, ones for when he’s tired, and ones for when he’s completely out of sorts. Those last ones are the most difficult, because they hurt the most physically and emotionally. When he’s unable to regulate his body, he squeezes me so hard that he actually chokes me. But I know he needs them to make himself feel better, and it takes every inch of my being sometimes to give him the hug back.
But I do. Because I’m his mom. And I know it could be so much worse.
Until he learns how to regulate himself, those hugs are all he has to make him feel right. We’ve tried to teach him ways to help himself – squishing under pillows, sitting in the bean bag chair, climbing in the body sock – and we’re working on giving him better words to use when he’s out of sorts so others can help him. We’re always showing him more appropriate ways to get the sensory input he so desperately craves. My husband will pick him up and squeeze him like an accordion (because if he calls it a hug Howie runs screaming away from him), and Gerry will have a gentle pillow fight with him. My hope is that someday “Can I have a hug?” won’t mean “I need help”. Someday it will just mean “can I have a hug?.”
I can’t wait to write that headline.
“U can’t touch this
Look in my eyes,man
U can’t touch this
Yo, let me bust the funky lyrics
U can’t touch this” – You Can’t Touch This by MC Hammer
August 31, 2010 at 12:16 pm
I hear you! I’m not a sensory-avoider, but I am British, so too much hugging is weird for me. Pudding likes hugs all the time, but I can tell when the “I-want-a-hug-I-want-a-cuddle” really means she is scared. It doesn’t matter how many times I try to give her the words, hugs solve fear and anxiety. We even wasted our money on a pressure vest that she won’t wear. I just thank goodness that her teacher is a hugger, so she gets what she needs when I’m not around. Sometimes, by the end of the day with the two of them, I just can’t stand any more, which isn’t nice for my sensory-seeking husband!
August 31, 2010 at 12:44 pm
your first line made me laugh out loud! thank you! I’ll admit I’m all-touched-out by the end of the day too. I’m glad her teacher is a “hugger” – my son’s teacher is as well (they call them squeezes since hugs are JUST for mom *sigh*) Isn’t it funny how well we get to know them and know just what they need?
August 31, 2010 at 12:46 pm
[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by akbutler, akbutler. akbutler said: sensory avoider gives birth to sensory seeking kid: https://trydefyinggravity.wordpress.com/2010/08/31/you-cant-touch-this/ #sensory #autism […]
August 31, 2010 at 5:31 pm
I like the hypothetical headlines!
Looks like you both have adjusted – which leads me to think about a post title from a couple of days ago: http://autism.typepad.com/autism/2010/08/it-changes-just-when-youve-accepted-it-wont.html
September 1, 2010 at 12:18 pm
thank you for sharing that link! I checked our her site and am now a twitter follower. You’re right – it hit home.
August 31, 2010 at 8:20 pm
I know this sounds a hell of a lot better than what you are going through, but my “issue” is my nine yr olds attachment disorder. She can tell me 100 times in a day that she loves me, for no reason. If I am walking out the door, after the hug and kiss I can hear 10 “love you”. I know it shouldn’t but it drives me nuts. Those words are suppose to have special meaning to them…I know it is just a saying. And at times it just hurts knowing that.
September 1, 2010 at 12:19 pm
I can always count on you to understand. You hit the nail on the head better than I did. It’s not the hug per se, it’s the constant hug so it means something different. It’s supposed to be a sign of affection (or in your case words of affection) but it’s more about their disorder. and that makes it so hard.
August 31, 2010 at 8:22 pm
ps It must have been interesting for you and your hubby if you both are sensory avoiders:)
August 31, 2010 at 9:55 pm
Eli is a hugger too. He doesn’t have nearly as many types of hugs as Howie does but I know the feeling. There are days that I can’t squeeze him tight enough and days that I’m not sure I’ll survive how tight he’s squeezing me.
I long for the day when I read that headline on your post as well. It will mean that all is right in Howie’s world… finally 🙂
September 1, 2010 at 12:18 pm
thank you. It’s nice to know that others understand that I’m not trying to be mean to him, it’s just that I don’t know how to always help him.
August 31, 2010 at 10:19 pm
Hugger, here. I might’ve had your headline in reverse when my girl was born. But we’ve both learned. If I want to hug her, it’s got to be tight. And not all the time. If she’s going to hug me, it’s butt first. I’ll take that.
“…about a thousand hugs. And all from me.” Not your love language, for sure, but sounds like Howie’s determined to love you to pieces through his own. 🙂
September 1, 2010 at 11:01 am
I loved your post Alysia
I was thinking of Temple Grandin’s hug machine as I was reading your post
I and R are both hugely into hugs and kisses – I often thank god that R’s sensory dial was switched this way ( seeking ) than that way avoiding
September 1, 2010 at 12:17 pm
thank you. I too am often reminded of Temple Grandin’s hug machine. It was at that point in the movie that I started to cry and didn’t stop. It was also the turning point for me in understanding my son – that it was for his regulation.
I’m getting better at the seeking side…I have a lot to learn from you 🙂
September 1, 2010 at 12:47 pm
Hmmm…. I like hugs but only from the people I know. Well.
My problem with hugs is not sensory, it is more social skills related. In fact I was going to blog about it, sometime. I don’t see why I should hug someone I meet only rarely and whom I don’t know that well. If everyone hugged everyone then how would we know genuine delight in seeing/meeting someone???
I feel very awkward in these situations.
My Wiiboy is a great hugger too and I have to admit I find them hard to resist. Even when he wants one after he’s been “difficult”!
Hugs ain’t that easy…are they??!
xx Jazzy
September 1, 2010 at 10:46 pm
I think you hit on it for me. I hope people don’t misunderstand me and think I don’t like to hug my kids – I do and give them many many. It’s the hugs that are the substitutes for self-regulation that are the hardest ones to manage, because it becomes about his disorder and not about the love. You’re right – if everyone wants hugs, then they aren’t so special, are they?
September 1, 2010 at 2:47 pm
I have a sensory avoider instead of a seeker. But when he does seek sensory input I cringe as well. It isn’t a “giving” touch. All his touches are “taking”. And I feel kinda used up by the end of the day. That more than anything I think is why I am so blasted tired when bedtime finally rolls around.
September 1, 2010 at 10:47 pm
that is a perfect way to describe it – it’s the taking touch. You said it so much better than I did.
September 1, 2010 at 2:52 pm
I can relate to this in a way. My son is also a sensory seeker, but he is not a hugger. Instead, he is a tackler. When he was first diagnosed (5 years ago) the kid would run into me ALL THE TIME. Seriously, one of the goals they set for him in Early Intervention was to “tackle his mom less often throughout the day.” The funny thing was, I had become so used to it, I was a little surprised when the therapist set that goal.
It is so hard to watch our kids struggle with their senses. So, so hard.
September 1, 2010 at 10:48 pm
so I have to ask…does he tackle you less now?
You’re so right – there’s nothing harder than watching your kids struggle with their sensory issues because it’s so hard to explain and understand.
September 1, 2010 at 3:46 pm
I like hugs but I have to admit that even though I enjoy them mostly, sometimes I can feel overwhelmed by the amount of physical contact that my children desire. We do the family bed and so it’s really our own fault, but both of my boys need to be touching me to go to sleep. Sometimes it takes them an hour to fall asleep and I lay there thinking about all the things I could be accomplishing. However, now that my hubs is on a mission to get Nino into his own room, I miss him.
What the heck? I am never happy I guess. I am always thinking about this actually how its when they need you so much when they are little that it can feel suffocating. But then before you know it, they are at the age where they think you are annoying and then you miss the suffocating love. Why is it this way?
September 3, 2010 at 3:28 pm
Boy do I know what you are talking about. My daughter is a sensory seeker and her primary sense – hanging all over me!!! I used to love to get and receive hugs but now that it’s been 4 years of mommy, mommy, mommy, I don’t hardly want to be touched by anyone anymore. You are doing a great job with your boys and I am thrilled to have found this blog. Thanks.
September 4, 2010 at 9:46 pm
thank you. It’s so nice to hear from others who understand. Knowing that I’m not the only one who feels this way makes me feel better about my own insecurities about my feelings.
September 6, 2010 at 1:52 am
I am also an anti-hug activist. Just because I like a person – or have talked to them for the last 10 minutes in a line at Starbucks – or have known them 15 years and they’re moving far, far away … does not mean I feel the need to hug it out. I like my 3 feet of personal space. Please, don’t invade it.
I’ve been like this my whole life. I don’t go to Ross (the clothing store). It is far too crowded and I have anxiety even thinking about walking in the doors.
My husband hates that I am this way. I tell him that I was this way before we got married. I’m not sure why he thought that would change. Oh well.
My 4 year old – he loves the hugs. He loves the cuddling. He loves to talk to me while 1/2 inch away from my face. Most times, I tell him that mommy can’t breathe like that and ask him to please back up just a little. He is finally at the age where he can understand that enough to know that I’m not kidding and I really cannot breath like that. lol.
Most times, I can deal with the hugs. I love the damn kid. He’s cute. And I’m kinda attached at this point, to be quite honest. 🙂 But there are other times when I just can’t do it right at the moment he wants to. I make sure not to hurt his feelings and usually redirect his attention so he doesn’t feel shut down or rejected. But he is entering an age when he is starting to realize that there are other people’s feelings that need to be taken into consideration. Man, am I glad for that.
I love your blog. Consider me a new reader!
September 7, 2010 at 3:38 am
thanks! nice to “meet” someone else who needs a little personal space to breathe 🙂
September 8, 2010 at 3:38 pm
I found your blog today via the Thinking Person’s Guide to Autism blog and I am in love!
I have an almost five year old son that was identified to be on the spectrum last May. My son is a hugger too. I literally give him hugs, I would say, at least once per half hour, during waking hours.
His sensory seeking began the very first night he was home from the hospital. Every time we would get him to fall asleep and try to lay him down in his bassinet he would wake up screaming. Finally at 3 AM, my husband got him to fall asleep yet again and just laid him down between us. That was the first night of almost five years of bed-sharing that have happened in our home.
My little guy, like Howie, now falls asleep quite nicely with the help of tight footed pajamas, a weighted blanket, 3 mg of melatonin, exactly 3 bedtime stories, and a tight snuggle from me until he falls asleep.
Although he now sleeps through the night(FINALLY!!!!!) in his own bed, I now have little brother in bed with me invading my personal space.
Thank you for your great writing. You officially have a new reader!