I had a post all set to go. And it was ugly.
I wrote about how frustrated I was with myself and my world. Back in May, I had set a goal to run my first 5K in October for the Flutie Foundation. I have never been a runner, but I thought this was an important step, an attempt to get healthy and do something for me while helping to raise money for a worthy cause. I got my running gear (translated: new sneakers for the first time in 5 years, my first iPod, and my first sports bra), joined the “couch to 5K” program, and started running. My pace wasn’t great, and I was doing more walking and jogging than running, but at least I was out there. I was able to run a few times a week after the kids went off to school with the baby in the stroller, and at least one weekend morning through May and most of June. Summer was approaching and I had a grand plan of getting up before everyone else did and getting back in time to get the kids ready for camps or summer school.
I wrote that then July hit and everything fell apart.
My hope that I would be able to run more when the kids were out of school was quickly squashed. I had a thousand excuses as to why I didn’t run all July. It’s been hot and humid. At least one of the kids has been up until 9 or 10pm each night and then another one up by 6am in the morning. My sports bra wasn’t clean. And in the chaos that has overcome our house this summer, I couldn’t find my iPod.
The real excuse is the harder one to admit of course. July had left me physically and emotionally exhausted. It is the first summer that all three boys have been completely mobile so I have been breaking up arguments, monitoring pillow fights and running back and forth from the front yard to the back yard to keep an eye on whichever kid decides to be where at that moment. This is also the first summer after Howie’s autism diagnosis, and I have schedules and routines and therapies to plan. I have become quite good at making things run smoothly around here, but it takes an enormous amount of time and effort to do that. There’s no sitting in the yard in a lawn chair sipping ice tea while my kids play. It’s constant hands-on parenting, twenty-four hours a day.
I wrote how upset and frustrated this all left me. The one thing – the ONE thing – I set aside for myself to do I couldn’t seem to get to it. Running was just mine, just me and my “Glee” songs on my iPod and 45 minutes of alone time. But I was spending so much energy planning and putting out fires before they started I was left feeling like human flame retardant. Sure, I could have set the alarm for 5:30am. But in so many cases, I had just crawled back into my bed after getting someone back to sleep an hour or so earlier. I was so…tired.
I wrote how this was all contributing to me being in a dark place. I was resenting the fact that I couldn’t just take off and run, or even shower, without the “permission” of four other people. I wrote that I had come to the realization that this was just how things were going to be, that right now everything and everyone else had to come first for our lives to feel like there was some order. I wrote how I had just stopped trying to find my missing iPod.
And, just as I was about to publish that post, this was in my e-mail inbox:
Be selfish (click on the words to see the link)
I follow Luau’s wife’s excellent blog, and she had linked to his running blog when he wrote how living with autism is like running a marathon. I had commented on that post, saying that it helped me realize that I need to take care of some things around here before I can start running again. And then, this new post from him arrived. He wrote about how important it is to take care of ourselves, that being selfish isn’t a dirty word although so many of us think it is. That if we aren’t a little selfish, then we aren’t any good to the people that we are trying to care of. And at the top it says – to me – “you will run that 5K“.
I stopped writing my ugly post and wrote this one instead.
He’s totally right. I need to be a little selfish. I need that time to make me a better parent and wife. Not only does it give me a few minutes away from the chaos, it also shows my kids that taking care of myself is important. It doesn’t have to be running for everyone – as he wrote it could be just getting a haircut or a evening out for dessert and wine with some friends. We all need to find that one thing that is just for us and stick with it. Otherwise we could fall apart and be of no use to anyone. However, what was most remarkable to me was that here was someone who doesn’t even know me reminding me that I needed to get running again. It just shows how well this community supports each other. Because if we don’t pick each other up, no one else will.
His post was the kick in the butt that I needed. I finished reading it, closed my computer, and looked for my iPod. It was right where it should be, but I wasn’t able to find it before behind the mess. My alarm is set for 6:30am tomororw, and I plan to run even if the whole house is already awake by then. Every day in my life may feel like a marathon, but to get to that finish line I need to be in the best shape of my life.
I have eight weeks until the day of the Flutie Foundation race. And Luau is right. I will run that 5K.
“It was a beautiful day, sun beat down.
I had the radio on, I was drivin’
Trees went by, Me and Del were singing
little Runaway, I was flyin’
Running down a dream.
Never would come to me.
Working on a mystery.
Going wherever it leads.
Runnin’ down a dream.” – Runnin’ Down A Dream by Tom Petty
August 3, 2010 at 5:11 pm
If this had a like button I would hit it multiple times 🙂 And if you had told us that u gave up on the 5k…we’d be making sure you did it regardless! Good for you 🙂
August 4, 2010 at 6:51 am
Aw, thanks! If I had told you, you wouldn’t have let me have any of that pound cake and wine until I said I would start training again! 🙂
August 3, 2010 at 6:19 pm
Aw, man! You just made me tear up! I think it’s great that you’re determined to do this! Enjoy the good weeks of running, and don’t fret the bad ones…we all have ’em!
If I wasn’t already running a Marathon in New Hampshire that day, I’d be there with you!
August 4, 2010 at 6:54 am
you made me teary thinking of you getting teary! Thanks for all the advice and inspiration. Good luck with the marathon (is that the Smuttynose race? I love their beer!) and with the walk the week before!
August 3, 2010 at 7:12 pm
What happened to me?? Yep, I feel your pain! Everyone in my house seems to get that time except for me. I used to bike but I don’t now. Is there a reason? Not really. I tell myself it’s because I have to wait until the kids are in bed and then it’s too late. But my honey is a runner and she finds time to run 9 miles a week by just saying that she’s going. I’ve been resenting her for this and you’re post helped me to see that. I need to start making the same demands for my time. Good luck in October! I know you’ll do great:)
August 4, 2010 at 6:55 am
Thank you. I was doing a lot of passive aggressive resentment and I didn’t see it until now. I hope you get back on the bike and make that time for you! Thanks for the encouragement!
August 3, 2010 at 7:21 pm
I can’t believe how much we have in common! You go girl don’t give up! When I got out of rehab and out of the wheelchair and started walking with out the walker I had to have a goal. I too, was never a runner. Played sports but to just run for the hell of it…no “fn” way:) But I set that goal of a 5k for May..five months to the day of rehab departer I ran my 5k. Yes, I cried the last 1.5 miles cause I was exhausted, it was hot and it sucked but I did it. I decided to do it again, but this time it was 8 miler in Stowe…I did it with my sister and LOVED it. Next is a 1/2 marathon in Sept. I am going to have to walk some of it I know, but I went through the guilt of taking time from my family and etc. But someone told me to be Selfish for me, to let my children see me taking care of myself. I am a much better Mom and Wife…so go, run/walk, conquer:) You deserve it!
August 4, 2010 at 6:58 am
Robyn – I had no idea, I thought you’ve always been a runner! You are and continue to be an inspiration to me. Thank you.
August 3, 2010 at 7:46 pm
It is true..we need to be a little selfish for the better good..that is something I need to remind myself from time to time…
August 3, 2010 at 9:01 pm
I fight this fight every single day…just like so many other moms. It may not be a 5K — mine is to be a publisher and also write my own novels. There are soooo many times I want to say “I quit” but can’t. I get “the look” that says I’ve been on the computer too long, or kids that need to be taken somewhere or a meal fixed (really?!!!). But, you know what? I’ve decided this is my passion and I HAVE to do what I do. Loved your post. Hang in there.
August 4, 2010 at 6:56 am
Robyn – I had no idea, I thought you’ve always been a runner! You are and continue to be an inspiration to me. Thank you.
August 4, 2010 at 6:57 am
whoops – that was on the wrong post. Linda – I meant to thank you for all the help and guidance you’ve given me, especially on the discussion group about this very topic. I don’t know how you do it, but I want to be more like you!!
August 3, 2010 at 9:21 pm
I’ve been “selfish” this summer too. But I am trying not to see it as selfish, rather as taking care of myself the same as I take care of the rest of my family. I am just as important as they are! 🙂
August 4, 2010 at 6:58 am
You couldn’t be more right. 🙂
August 4, 2010 at 7:39 am
I used to be a runner .. but since having 4 kids, not so much. I recently started trying to run again but with 15 extra pounds, 15 extra years, and, well, 4 kids, it is much harder than it used to be!!
Still, I started off slow and also do a lot of walking and I am actually running now and it feels great!!
good luck! We all have to do something for ourselves and it is NOT selfish, it is just necessary.
August 4, 2010 at 11:54 am
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August 5, 2010 at 1:56 pm
This post was so inspiring. Because everything you wrote was so true and you expressed so eloquently exactly the same challenges I’ve had in my life. Since the birth of my last son, I haven’t been able to get back in shape. It’s been so non-stop busy that I just haven’t felt comfortable carving out time that was just for me. But you are right. We need to be selfish in order to not run our own wells dry. I loved when you wrote, “I was left feeling like human flame retardant.” Because I cannot think of a better metaphor to describe how I feel so many many hours of my days. Thank you for this post. You have inspired me. I may not run a 5 K in 8 weeks, but I am going to carve out some time for me and feel good about it. Good luck with your run!! I will be rooting for you all the way.
August 5, 2010 at 2:27 pm
Thank you. I hope you are able to find some “you” time with all you have going on. It can feel like the ultimate betrayal of your kids to want some time alone, but it may just be what they need to see from you. Good luck to you.
August 5, 2010 at 6:27 pm
I just want to say “AMEN!”. How quickly we forget that the first thing we are responsible to take care of is ourselves. It is not selfish and irresponsible. It is critical to our being physically and emotional healthy and it is the key to being fully connected and engaged with our families in the most positive of ways.
Run that 5K – we will be running it with you in spirit. (I will however be sipping that iced-tea you mentioned while wondering when I will get in shape)
Great Post!
CJ