It’s not you, it’s me.
If I don’t exchange in small talk outside the preschool at pick up, it’s not because I’m standoffish.
If I don’t return your phone call or respond to one of the 500 e-mails in my inbox, it’s not because I don’t want to talk with you.
If I say no to the playdate or birthday party, it’s not because we don’t like you.
If I say yes to the playdate or birthday party and we’re 30 minutes late, it’s not because I’m rude.
If I forget to send the thank you note, it’s not because I’m ungrateful.
If I haven’t read or commented on your most recent blog post, it’s not because I don’t care.
I just don’t have it in me right now. I can’t do the small talk. I can’t respond to the e-mails outside of the most urgent. I can’t get anywhere on time, mail anything on time, or read the articles I want to read.
There’s too much noise going on inside my head.
I’m thinking about my friends who have been without power for more than 9 days, and about how their kids’ lives have been in chaos since the crisis began.
I’m thinking about my amazing friend who just ran her first marathon in New York today. Running with my kids’ names on her back. How proud I am of her and how honored I was to have my kids with her.
I’m thinking about members of my family who are too young to be in a battle for their lives.
I’m thinking about the instant changes we’ve seen in Howie’s plan for school since my presentation. I’m so happy that things are better but know that it shouldn’t be this hard.
I’m thinking about the moms and dads that wake up every morning, wondering if this will be the day when their child will talk.
I’m thinking about my friend who husband is home on leave from Afghanistan, and how happy and rested she looks. I’m thinking about how to support her when he returns to his base.
I’m wondering how I’ll get through the next day, let alone the next week or two.
I’m missing my dad.
I’m struggling with the fact that I’m seeing the “autism” more and more in my two youngest, and I don’t know what that means for them. I’m also wondering if we’ll be adding another diagnosis to the mix for my oldest sometime soon.
I’m looking ahead to January, when all three kids have appointments with developmental specialists.
I’m terrified of not being here for my kids, so much so that it paralyzes me. I don’t like to travel far from them without them in case something happens.
When I am in chaos – when my brain is overloaded – I retreat. I wall myself in and protect myself from what I can’t be right now. For better or worse, I need to keep my kids close to keep me from breaking down.
You have to understand that there are times that I want to be like you. I want to be able to chat about the weather and make playdates on the fly and comment on every awesome blog post that I see.
There are times when I want to be you.
but…
I’m thinking that the best sound is my three boys laughing together. Their sweet voices complement each other in perfect harmony. And I hold on to that for dear life, praying it will never change.
And that’s when I just want to be me.
So please remember:
It’s not you. It really is me.
“Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup,
They slither while they pass they slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my opened mind,
Possessing and caressing me.
Jai guru deva, om
Nothing’s gonna change my world,
Nothing’s gonna change my world.
Nothing’s gonna change my world.
Nothing’s gonna change my world.” – Across the Universe by The Beatles
November 6, 2011 at 10:23 pm
How are you in my head?! I see so much of my current thoughts in this post. Beautifully written….hugs for you. I hope this difficult time passes and with it you gain more strength and peace.
November 7, 2011 at 7:13 pm
Thank you. And hugs back to you too…
November 6, 2011 at 10:26 pm
oh alysia… yours are my days… you’ve just described most of my last 72 hours. one of these days soon I’m gonna head your way with coffee and sweets. and hugs. thinking of you… love this post!!! xo
November 7, 2011 at 7:14 pm
We will get together! I know we will 🙂 And I think I owe you an e-mail back…
November 6, 2011 at 10:38 pm
I love you. I feel every word of this. Here for you every step of the way. Because thats what family should do for one another. And we are family. XO
November 7, 2011 at 7:14 pm
I love you too. Thank you for being part of my family.
November 6, 2011 at 10:39 pm
Its me too.
November 7, 2011 at 7:14 pm
I know. Thank you.
November 6, 2011 at 10:44 pm
This is perfect. I want to change the names and send it to everyone I know…my family…the other parents at school. Love you.
November 7, 2011 at 7:15 pm
I love you too. I learned to be me from you.
November 6, 2011 at 10:51 pm
Oh, Alysia, I wish I could give you a giant hug. I am feeling so similarly lately that reading this post was a bit eerie. I too have retreated for many similar reasons. I just don’t have the energy for idle chit chat. I have so much on my mind–worry about Tommy and his incessant screaming and obsession with Thomas, concern about Danny and his school troubles, guilt that I am allowing Charlotte to fall between the cracks. And endless worries about money and how we’ll manage to get the car fixed when we really need a new furnace.
To have to listen to my friend complain about her sick dog, or another acquaintance bemoan the fact that she has to go to Mexico instead of Italy on vacation? Just cannot handle it right now.
Sorry for the rant. BTW, “Across the Universe” is my favorite song ever. It’s actually my and Bil’s song.
November 7, 2011 at 7:16 pm
You have a beautiful song together. And I know we walk the same path. I’m sorry and grateful. Is that weird? We’re in the same boat, and if I have to be here I’d happy it’s with you.
Love to you. We’ll figure it out together.
November 6, 2011 at 11:25 pm
I am thinking of you and how special you are and how much your honesty means to so many people.
We all love you and wish you the best of everything.
I know you love music so I’m sending you “Wish you Well” by and Aussie artist Bernard Fanning:
November 7, 2011 at 7:17 pm
How did you do that? How did you leave a video in a message? Very cool!
And thank you. I learn how to write from the heart from you.
November 7, 2011 at 2:44 am
Hey my friend . I hope you know I come by and read your every post. I don’t always leave a comment. And it’s not you, it’s me, I just don’t always have it in me to do that.Thrilled to hear about your friend running with your kids names on her back, Wish I could have gone out to cheer the autism awareness runners, on but the crowds were insane and I can’t take both boys out into that.
Hugs to you. These times are tough. Hang in there.
November 7, 2011 at 7:18 pm
Hugs to you too. I know you have a half a million things going on as well. We’re always here.
November 7, 2011 at 6:04 am
Here for you no matter what. xo
November 7, 2011 at 7:18 pm
I know. And right back at you 🙂 Love you.
November 7, 2011 at 7:42 am
I feel for you, my friend — and the upcoming holiday season just seems to make the paralysis worse, doesn’t it?
My mom and I have a metaphor and I see some if it in your post. We all it “stirring the pot.”
Basically, the idea is that each of us has an imaginary soup pot. When our friends or family are overwhelmed with all the thoughts going on in their heads, we can let them add to our pots. As they add to our pots, the thoughts carefully considered by the recipient (“stirred”). Once the thought is in the pot, you can’t take it back out — you have released it. And when the conversation is over, you dump out the pot together.
I invite you to add to my soup to any time (although, in a way — with this post — you already have). You have given voice to what is rolling around in your head and I will stir it for you. And together we will pour out the pot.
Hugs to you and your sweet boys
November 7, 2011 at 7:19 pm
best analogy ever. I love the communal pot. Thank you (and thank your mom). It’s perfect. And very very comforting.
November 7, 2011 at 8:41 am
Its me too. You said it all so perfectly. I seem to be going along well and then it all just gets to be too much, and I have to pull back into my shell.
Try to keep things as simple and as uncluttered as you can and know that your entire village is standing by your side. Hugs to you Alysia. Thank you for your voice and your honesty.
November 7, 2011 at 7:19 pm
Right back at you. Here for you as your village as well.
November 7, 2011 at 9:14 am
You need to do what you need to do;-)
xx Jazzy
November 7, 2011 at 7:19 pm
wise words, my friend. thank you.
November 7, 2011 at 10:16 am
I was at preschool pick up a few weeks back and another mom tried making conversation. I probably came off as rude, but we have been going through such a hard time with K, that I feel like I am floating through my days and can’t even come up with small talk. I feel like a zombie most days.
November 7, 2011 at 7:21 pm
Like my friend, you have had a very tough “power-less” week. It’s hard when you have so much going on to chat about what seems like nothing. Hang in there.
November 7, 2011 at 11:31 am
Perfect. Just like you. That’s why we LOVE you. That’s why sometimes, those of us who truly understand all of the above – realize that we are *blessed* that it IS *YOU* and not *just us*. ;0)
Love you. You are doing great, Mama. Beyond great.
November 7, 2011 at 7:21 pm
and that’s why I love you too. thank you.
November 7, 2011 at 11:56 am
Same here, love. Same here.
November 7, 2011 at 7:21 pm
love to you ❤
November 7, 2011 at 4:12 pm
Its me too. It’s been one hell of a school year so far and just when we were finally on a roll with 3 almost perfect weeks in a row the storm hit. After a week off with zero predictability due to the power loss and the time change Sunday night, we are back to step one again. I don’t feel like I have the strength to start all over again, but I’m a Mom and I have to. You are not alone…no apologies needed.
November 7, 2011 at 9:18 pm
You have had a bumpy week+ to say the least. My heart is with you. And the time change thing? Just insult to injury. Thinking of you.
November 7, 2011 at 4:47 pm
love love love. it speaks volumes….
November 7, 2011 at 9:18 pm
thank you 🙂
November 8, 2011 at 9:38 pm
That is one of my favorite Beatles songs!!! Sometimes you just gotta look out for you and those you love most, let the rest fade away for a time.
November 10, 2011 at 4:52 pm
thank you 🙂 And it’s one of my favorites too!
November 9, 2011 at 10:36 am
[…] (sometimes more than one) on the Autism Spectrum. If you want to read about a day in the life, read this, or this, or […]
November 10, 2011 at 8:42 am
We don’t know each other, but my heart goes out to you. I’m in my own personal walled-in chaos so I understand. Hugs.
November 10, 2011 at 4:51 pm
I’m sorry. I get it. And we know each other here, so that’s good enough for me 🙂