“Why you glasses out?”
I was sitting on the floor of our living room, listening to some music. The song “Wonder” by Natalie Merchant came over the speakers and I began to sing along. When I hit the words:
O, I believe
Fate smiled and destiny
Laughed as she came to my cradle
Know this child will be able
Laughed as she came to my mother
Know this child will not suffer
Laughed as my body she lifted
Know this child will be gifted
With love, with patience and with faith
I started to cry.
It had been a challenging morning, to say the least. I don’t know if the kids were out of sorts because I had been away, or if maybe I was the one out-of-sync. But Howie was up at 5am and had been verbally stimming and non-compliant all morning. He refused to get dressed/put on his coat/get in the van. Lewis woke up shortly after Howie left, and the pattern continued. Wouldn’t eat, wouldn’t get dressed. No coat, no car. We were 10 minutes late for preschool and I left him screaming outside his classroom with the teacher, still refusing to hang up his backpack.
The ugly cry was my company on the way home.
I had finally pulled it together enough to make myself coffee, eat an entire row of cinnamon rolls, shower, and get back for preschool pickup.
At home twenty minutes later, the song came on.
I was sitting on the floor, glasses off, crying.
“Why you glasses out?”
Lewis had come around the corner, a pile of Hot Wheels cars in his hand. I quickly tried to wipe away the tears.
“What’s that?”
He was pointing to one stray tear coming down my cheek.
“I will wipe it. I get paper towel.”
He went into the kitchen and grabbed a whole roll of paper towels, ripping off several sheets.
Gently, he touched my cheek.
“There. Alllll better.”
And it was.
I have a week that includes a special education parent advisory meeting tonight, Lewis’ first IEP meeting at 9am tomorrow morning, his 3 year old checkup an hour later, and our first monthly kindergarten parent/teacher meeting for Howie directly after that. Wednesday the kids have no school. Thursday we meet with a psychologist to determine what, if any, testing we need to do with Gerry.
Friday is Lewis’ third birthday. And if you have a kid with special needs, you know what that milestone means. No more early intervention. Fully in the hands of the school system. No more wondering if this is a phase that you won’t have to share. It’s real.
But that simple gesture of wiping my tears…
Reminded me of why this week is so important.
My kids need me to be their best advocate this week so that in turn they can show the world the wonders that I see here at home.
My kids – all three – are counting on me. That takes the sad right out of me.
“It’s all right to cry
Crying gets the sad out of you
It’s all right to cry
It might make you feel better
Raindrops from your eyes
Washing all the mad out of you
Raindrops from your eyes
It’s gonna make you feel better.” – It’s All Right To Cry by Rosey Grier (from Free To Be You And Me)
October 17, 2011 at 12:58 pm
Sweetie – let the ugly out. It’s all good.
You will get it done and then some. Your boys are BLESSED. You are fierce and loving and smart and passionate.
All the ingredients you need to serve it up this week are already in your pot ;0)
October 17, 2011 at 1:10 pm
You’re right, it’s definitely OK to cry. My little boy was diagnosed with autism a little over a year ago and I still cry about it all the time.
I hope the IEP and other meetings this week go well for all of you.
October 17, 2011 at 1:17 pm
I’d be back in the car and heading to your house right this second if I didn’t know just how strong and amazing you are.
October 17, 2011 at 1:22 pm
I had to go and look back at this post (http://spectrummymummy.com/2011/03/11/the-tracks-of-my-tears/), because I had a feeling you’d quoted this song at me then. I hate your week. I predict more puddles, but it’s all right to cry, my friend. ((Stormtrooper hugs)).
October 17, 2011 at 1:25 pm
Weeks like this make me want to crawl under the covers with my iphone and hide in the mindlessness of sudoku. You will get through. Just one step at a time, you can do it.
October 17, 2011 at 1:25 pm
wonderful post
you are so very very right
that song gets me each time as well
October 17, 2011 at 2:02 pm
I thought I was all cried out this morning, and then I see this. Now I have tears for all the right reasons. You are amazing – all positive thoughts towards you this week.
October 17, 2011 at 3:01 pm
You are AMAZING! It sounds like your week is going to be so draining, but I want you to know you are an inspiration to me! Seriously.
October 17, 2011 at 9:44 pm
YUM, Cinnamon rolls. Seriously, there is nothing like a good cry now and then. And I think it’s healthy for our kids to see it. Then they know we feel, just like they do and we model a range of emotions.
Hopefully you are feeling better now.
October 19, 2011 at 9:53 am
I’ve been here many many many nights. And once in a really bad moment – let the ugly cry out on the Uptown 6 train. There are days when I just need to let it out. And after I feel so much better. I try not to let my son see me cry, but considering we live in a 2 bedroom apartment, it’s kind of hard for him not to see/hear me. And he is always my biggest comfort ready to dry my tears. And that’s when I really know – he sees me and he reaches out when it matters most.