Within minutes of each other, I had a kindergartener and a fourth grader whisked off to school. And one screaming two year old at the window, desperate to go with them. – My personal Facebook page status today
I put my son on the van this morning at 7:35am for his very first day of kindergarten.
We took the obligatory pictures in the rain to document this momentous occasion.
I went back inside to post them on Facebook, like everyone else was doing.
And I couldn’t do it.
My son’s first day didn’t look like the other kids’ first day. There was no walk over to the big yellow school bus, no wave from the window as he drove away.
We were on the van.
Last year, I wrote a post for Hopeful Parents called “The Wheels on the Bus“. It was my first post about my public acceptance of my son’s diagnosis. I said “I’ve grown comfortable sharing our story in town and now I am happy to have The Van pull into my driveway. Just like every other new specialized service we’ve added to my son’s routine, it has only made life better for him and for all of us.”
And all of that is still true. But today, I felt a little sad.
Years ago, before everything, I promised Howie that he could ride the big yellow bus like his brother. As time went on, it became clear that he just couldn’t do it. The sounds, the smells, the noises and the long ride to and from school would just be too much for my little guy. Putting him on the bus would be setting him up for failure immediately.
So we’re on the van.
I put the memory card away with all the pictures, and focused on having my alone time with Lewis. As he and I vacuumed together, I had a 180 degree turn.
I’m proud of those photos. And I have to post them.
He’s on the van with his friends and a driver who loves him. He’s traveling to school in the way that is not only appropriate for him, but perfect for him. He’s greeted by his aide when he arrives at school, and sent on his way home the same way. He is taken care of every step of the way from the moment he steps into that building until he walks in our house. We have worked incredibly hard to get to this point, and I’m not going to let some silly notion of what things are “supposed to be” stand in our way of celebrating this day.
This is our normal. I have one son on the bus and one on the van. Our first day pictures may look different, but it doesn’t make them any less amazing and important.
So here, for the first time, is my son going to kindergarten.
I am so proud of him.
“The wheels on the bus go ’round and ’round ’round and ’round ’round and ’round. The wheels on the bus go ’round and ’round All through the town.” – The Wheels on the Bus (children’s song)
September 7, 2011 at 3:03 pm
Yes, it’s what works for him, and that’s what is important. I too am totally fine with the van (which is new for us this year, he has ridden a bus at our last school–but he was the only one on it!) It’s the best fit for him, and that’s the most important thing.
September 9, 2011 at 8:48 am
definitely. It has to be about them and not what anyone else thinks. Thank you
September 7, 2011 at 3:34 pm
You said it perfectly. My boy would not be happy on the other bus. They are where they need to be. xoxo
September 9, 2011 at 8:49 am
yup. Where they need to be. Different, but not less.
September 7, 2011 at 3:41 pm
I’m crying in understanding. Proud of you, too, for posting, and finding the beauty in your “normal”. Plus, I like to think all those other kinder pictures are kinda plain vanilla while ours are cookies and cream with sprinkles in a cone. A little bit extra special, if you will.
September 9, 2011 at 8:50 am
definitely extra special. Because for some reason it means more – maybe because I didn’t know if we’d get to this place. I like the sprinkles analogy
September 7, 2011 at 4:06 pm
Yup. We all have to do what works for us. I am so glad your guy has the school situation that is “just right” for him (and know how hard you worked to make that happen) – so be proud!
My Jake starts a full day on Monday, with a one hour orientation on Friday, while Ethan’s first day is tomorrow. I have long resigned myself to the fact that even though they are twins they will never go to the same school, and that all those ways people had said that twins would be “easier” when they were no longer babies will never apply to us.
Jake rides a “short bus” and while he has no idea what that means, his brother does, and sometimes it makes Ethan sad.
p.s. if I ever hear anyone making a “short bus” joke around me? Watch out – they get some earful.
September 9, 2011 at 8:51 am
I know you have it so right in your face for your boys – and I’m sure it’s hard for both of them and you. But it’s what our kids need, not what we want them to have. It’s very hard.
Good luck with school on Monday!!
September 7, 2011 at 4:20 pm
Yahoo!! Good for you!! Great picture – cherish it forever.
September 9, 2011 at 8:52 am
September 7, 2011 at 4:46 pm
You know, knowing how hard you all have worked to get those services and get him the right school environment…this picture brought a lump to my throat. Even those plain “vanilla” fits day photos get to me. I think the anxiety of a “first day of school” is universal no matter how the child gets there or how many other children in the family may have already paved the way. Maybe that’s just my take on it since next to nothing about Nik’s entire life has been “normal” or “typical.”
I love that you were able to find your way to sharing the moment with us with as much pride as (more than?) those who put their kids on the big yellow bus.
September 9, 2011 at 8:54 am
You’re right – the first day is hard no matter what. And for those of us who have worked extra hard to create our new “normal”, just walking into the building is a huge accomplishment. You have taught me so much in understanding how big these achievements are, even if they seem small – or “normal” – to others. Thank you for that.
September 7, 2011 at 5:00 pm
Awesome! I hope he had a wonderful day!!
September 9, 2011 at 8:55 am
He did! Two now under his belt as a matter of fact (just don’t ask me how the afternoons AFTER he gets home are going…)
September 7, 2011 at 7:58 pm
Well done, it’s such a big wonderful achievement, in Australia we don’t have bus pick ups so my day was a bit different I dropped him off to school not knowing his diagnosis and it was very hard for my little man but he is now kind of at home with his school so to speak so we are happy, thanks for sharing this wonderful day with all of us.
September 9, 2011 at 9:07 am
Thank you! We all figure out what works best for our kids and I’m glad you did for your son.
September 8, 2011 at 12:24 am
Yay! I’m proud of you for being proud of him. It doesn’t matter what colour the ride is, as long as it takes us where we need to go.
September 9, 2011 at 9:07 am
exactly. and this ride he has – pretty cool.
September 8, 2011 at 5:22 am
I’m very proud of all of you! Congratulations, Mama.
September 9, 2011 at 9:07 am
September 8, 2011 at 8:33 am
He looks so happy — you should be proud! — Proud of all you’ve come through to get to where you are… proud of all you’ve accomplished.
And more important than all that, be proud of that little guy who — in his own wonderful way — is becoming a big kid with a personality all his own!
September 9, 2011 at 9:08 am
thank you! He is proud of himself, and it’s a huge step towards independence for him. Maybe we’ll ride the bus someday, maybe not. Doesn’t matter.
September 8, 2011 at 9:31 am
I am about a step behind you with the “acceptance” part. My son is in pre-k and part of me still holds on to the hope that he might not need special services by kindergarten. The practical side of me knows this is highly unlikely, but I haven’t got there yet emotionally. My hope is that either way, I will be where you are now. Your son is so lucky to have such a wonderful mom!
September 9, 2011 at 9:10 am
Lauren – it took me until *this* moment to get there with the van. I thought I was there, but I wasn’t. And it still comes in waved. I’m not sure there’s a definitive “I have accepted this” in any of us, as our kids change and grow and the world changes and grows around them. You are an amazing mom and you do what works best for your child. And the next year it may be different. It will come.
September 8, 2011 at 7:40 pm
I’m glad you shared, he looks so happy! I hope it’s a great kindergarten year for him! The wheels on the van go round and round, just as well as the wheels on the bus…what matters is he’s moving forward in ways far more significant than mode of tranportation could ever display.
September 9, 2011 at 9:11 am
exactly. the wheels take him there, no matter what is attached to it. Moving forward.
September 8, 2011 at 8:30 pm
Thank you so much for sharing this (I am new to your blog and have a 3-year-old son w/autism). I understand this…oh, how I understand this. My son is still in pre-K and I take him to school. Our day with the van may very well come. I know I need to be ready. I know it’s part of acceptance. Seeing those before me face this with honesty and vulnerability encourages me. And your son DID wave!
September 9, 2011 at 9:12 am
Hi and welcome!! It’s all baby steps – take each moment as its own and together we’ll celebrate the accomplishments together. My youngest is almost three. We’re in this together!
September 9, 2011 at 7:53 am
Oh Alysha..you are so right to be so proud of him. he’s wonderful and in time he may very well go on the yellow bus;-)
Ente
As you know I only have one child, a boy who’s now 11 and doing fantastically well. I STILL to this day feel sad when i think of his first day in school. When I looked at the TV at the obligatory news item on all the Junior infants starting ‘big school’ in their uniforms it hurt. I have photos of my guy (like you I insisted on photos.. this was HIS first day after all) in casual clothes with a soother in his mouth cocking his ass to the camera as he likes to do!! When i saw him in the hall of the Special needs School that first morningwith the same confused and glassy eyed look as the others, I knew we were doing the right thing. And now he goes to school along with those other JI kids, he just had a different start, is all.
(Hope this helps?)
xx Jazzy
September 9, 2011 at 9:15 am
it totally helps. Thank you. I love that you’re here with me and helping me through this.
September 9, 2011 at 8:45 am
I think it’s great that you are able to see him going on the van as a good thing. He looks happy and comfortable in the picture. That’s what counts.
September 9, 2011 at 9:16 am
You know what? He is happy and comfortable. No anxiety about getting on or off, this was normal to him. And you are so right. That is the only thing that matters. THANK YOU!
September 9, 2011 at 9:27 pm
You should be one proud mom. He looks so darn happy. And the fact you figured out this was best for him–bonus. No mater how you slice it, all the wheels take them to the same place.
September 12, 2011 at 7:01 pm
Last week I had to put my three kids on three different buses to three different schools. My older two took the neighborhood bus to school, but my youngest gets a special bus to a different school in our district. I think it bothered me, more than anyone else in our family. I was so hoping that he would be ready for regular Kindergarten, at the same school as his siblings, but he’s not. He’s close, so very close.
It didn’t matter to him that it wasn’t the same school as his sister, and he likes that he has his own bus. He has come home each day with a smile. He doesn’t realize it should be any different, he’s also not alone. He has friends from preschool in his class.
I don’t have pictures of my kids getting on the bus for any first day. We take first day pictures in our house b/c I don’t want to be ‘the crazy mom’ at the bus stop. I guess we all have our issues.
September 15, 2011 at 12:20 pm
[...] to school has been a challenge for us all. His brother is in his school for the first time. Rides in on a different bus. Runs in different circles – literally. Our house has become a revolving door of [...]
September 16, 2011 at 12:39 pm
Oh I remember on of my friends who has a little girl with autism say to me, “She is going to be that little girl who rides “the little yellow bus” not the big one. But like you we grieve what was “supposed to have been” and then celebrate where they are now. So beautifully written. As always thank you for helping me know I am not alone!