I’m not an angry person by nature.
I don’t get angry. I get frustrated, annoying and sometimes even a little grouchy. Okay, maybe a lot grouchy. But never angry.
Until recently.
I’m not sure where this new emotion is coming from. I’m guessing that some of it is weather related. But not all of it. There are days when it feels like there’s just too much to deal with. Too much to take on.
This all came flooding out while I was trying to fold a fitted sheet.
Stay with me.
I can’t fold a fitted sheet. I have never been able to do it. Tim has tried to teach me many many times. I just can’t. Maybe I don’t have the wingspan to hold the corners just right. Maybe I just don’t have the fine motor skills. Whatever the reason, I can’t do it. So for my entire adult life, fitted sheets have been crumpled up and shoved into the closet on top of all the flat sheets and pillowcases. And I quickly close the door.
The other day, I was doing just that. As I was trying to shut the door, the whole pile came out on top of me. And big, ugly, angry tears began to fall as well.
In my head, I was screaming at those balled-up sheets, so angry that they had the nerve to fall out and not stay where they were. I started to rattle off all of the other things that were making me angry.
- I’m angry that my almost five year old still won’t sleep through the night and I can’t figure out what else to do.
- I’m angry that my eight year old comes home from school and asks me at least once a week why we can’t do “x” like all his other friends do. (X= take a long family vacation, go to the movies, go to museums, play nicely together)
- I’m angry that I am constantly in the role of “police officer” in my house, and I can’t figure out if my two year old has actual behavior problems or if he’s just copying his brother.
- I’m angry that my son does better with his behavior management at school than at home, because of what that implies about my parenting skills.
- I’m angry that there are days that I just can’t help my son manage his body and his sensory issues. And I’m angry at myself for being tired of dealing with it.
- I’m angry that I have friends across town and across the globe who are fighting for their children’s rights to have basic services in our schools. Friends who just want the words in their IEPs followed and not ignored.
- I’m angry that it matters where you live – that some towns and states are really good at supporting our kids, and some don’t care.
- I’m angry that I have friends who are going through incredibly hard things in their lives – things that would be difficult anyway, but add in their special needs kids and it’s so much more trying.
- I’m angry that whatever I do, it never seems like enough. There’s never a day when I go to bed and say “we did everything we needed to do today for our son and his day was right.”
Apparently I’ve been pretty good at keeping this anger inside, crumpled up behind closed doors like those sheets. But like those sheets, I don’t know what to do with it now that it’s out.
My friend at Diary of a Mom talked about the need to process our anger, and find the hope and progress interspersed with the raw emotion. She’s right. I see it and write about it all the time here. I know how lucky we are in so many ways to have what we do, to live where we live and have the supports that we have.
I’m at a crossroads with this anger. Just like with that that sheet. I could try and stuff it back in to the closet, waiting for it to explode on me again. Or I could attempt to fold it. Maybe laying it out flat on the bed and bringing the corners together. Look at it from a different angle. Try something new.
I can choose to let it eat at me and become more unhappy, causing misery to those around me. Or I can choose to channel it to make some changes in my life and help others make changes too.
Maybe ask for some help.
Right now, I’m going to leave the sheet on the floor until I can figure out what to do with it. It can’t stay crumpled up. Because I’m not just angry anymore. Now, I’m sad too.
“So I start a revolution from my bed
‘Coz you said the brains I had went to my head
Step outside the summertime’s in bloom
Stand up beside the fireplace, take that look from off your face
You ain’t ever gonna burn my heart out
So Sally can wait
She knows it’s too late as we’re walking on by
Her soul slides away
“But don’t look back in anger”, I heard you say” – Don’t Look Back In Anger by Oasis
February 11, 2011 at 3:28 pm
Oh, my friend. Whatever you write, you take me there too. I’m sad that you’re feeling this way, and angry that I can’t think of a single thing to say or do to make it better.
I don’t fold fitted sheets wither- just cram them in the closet. But then again, I don’t iron, so the crumpled look works for me.
Please let me know if there is anything I can do.
February 11, 2011 at 3:28 pm
Just wow. {{{hugs}}}
I can’t fold a fitted sheet either.
It’s good that you’re aware of your anger and why. Figuring out what to do with it will come, I think.
Anger and I are life long friends, so it’s never really seen the inside of one of my closets. Not sure that’s a good thing either. It leaves room for a lot of other shit.
I don’t have any profound words of wisdom. Just that I love you, and I say if Tim’s so good at it, let him fold the damn sheet!
February 11, 2011 at 3:31 pm
The anger for me comes at the oddest times as well. I hear and understand everything you are saying. I wonder everyday if this will be the day it will all be enough.
xoxoxox
February 11, 2011 at 3:32 pm
I too am angry. So much so that it scares me sometimes. That’s why I talk so much about our issues, I guess. Because I’m scared what would happen if my closet exploded open one day. It wouldn’t be pretty.
February 11, 2011 at 3:46 pm
First off, you have my sympathies and understanding. I am being held prison by anger and sadness right now and it sucks.
However, good for you for expressing your anger. One of the things I’m sure all of us ASD moms work on with our children is recognizing their emotion and learning to manage it in a proper way.
You are allowed to be angry and sad and scared and everything other emotion out there. It is OK to have those emotions and even more OK to acknowledge them.
Please know that I am walking here with you, friend.
February 11, 2011 at 3:46 pm
Beautifully written. <3. It just all flat out sucks sometimes.
PS- one of the few things my mother taught me was how to ( mostly) fold a fitted sheet. Its overrated. I'd happily trade my sheet folding skills for your talent with words anyday. ( but I'm more than willing to give you a tutorial if ya like! – and a solemn promise to never open your linen closet!) ;o)
February 11, 2011 at 4:09 pm
damn fitted sheets…xox
February 11, 2011 at 4:16 pm
Writing, for me, is one of the best ways to channel that anger. Some people work out; others cook (okay, I like that too but no when I’m angry. LOL!); and others turn to their spiritual side.
Getting angry is natural and it’s okay to be from time to time. God knows I’m not the calmest most even-tempered person every moment. Life can be very difficult at times and we’re only human. We need to cry, yell, scream or whatever gets those negative emotions out of the way once in awhile–otherwise we explode, turning to the ineffective ways of coping. Then, just like those stupid fitted sheets, we can smooth our anger out and put it away as best as we can. Doing the best we can is what matters the most.
(BTW: My grandma MADE me learn how to fold fitted sheets. AND make hospital corners. AND be obsessive about the ‘right’ way to put the toilet paper rolls on. Ugh. lOL!)
<3 Chynna
http://www.lilywolfwords.ca
http://www.the-gift-blog.com
http://www.seethewhiteelephants.com
PS: I'm not happy today either. Jaimie and Jordy are both in a school function called "Musical Express" and I can't go. Jordy even got a line to say! =( The law says I can't leave my 2 and 4 year olds on their own so…here I stay…missing them.
February 11, 2011 at 4:29 pm
Wow, what an awesome analogy! I think anger is so hard for so many women to feel OK expressing because we’re always taught as young girls to “play nice” with one another. We don’t teach our children (especially girls) that you can be angry and still like someone or be angry about something specific and still be happy in general.
February 11, 2011 at 4:31 pm
I think that a man must’ve invented fitted sheets…..got all excited because of the elastic element, but didn’t see beyond that!
I echo CeeCee…I’d trade my sheet folding ability for your talent with words anyday!
The anger….definitely know it. For many of the same reasons you mentioned. Then I am also thankful for all of the resources that we do have, but still curse the fact that we even need them.
Know you’re not alone!
February 11, 2011 at 5:01 pm
I hear ya on the sheet front, and many other fronts as well. But, on a good note, when my son was in pre-school and the early grades, he would many times behave much better at school than at home. I attributed it to the fact that he used up all of his self-control at school, and didn’t have any left for home. While frustrating, it told me that he could hold it together when it really mattered. If you can’t fall apart at home, where can you? I know that was just a small part of your anger, but voicing (writing about) the anger will help it dissipate.
February 11, 2011 at 6:12 pm
This is beautiful, and I’m angry at all the same things. What do we do with it?
February 11, 2011 at 6:58 pm
I so understand..
February 11, 2011 at 7:09 pm
Isn’t it amazing what miniscule things will bring out the strongest of emotions??? I’m glad for you that you got the angry out. It’s probably been there longer than you know. I hope for your sake that your sad goes away soon too. Hang in there. The sun will shine tomorrow.
February 11, 2011 at 7:48 pm
First of all…I’m glad you got it out!
I wish I could click my fingers and make it all better
I don’t know a single mother of a special needs child that doesn’t experience anger on some level. It’s just that some of us bottle up and some of us ( like me) make sure that everybody knows about it!!! Lol
I seriously hope that things look brighter soon, I’m sending you hugs (even though you aren’t a hugger ) because it’s all I know to offer xxx
February 11, 2011 at 8:03 pm
why is anger a “four letter word”? I think that my kids are going to remember me as angry. I blame my guilt on my parents for never showing any emotions at home the old “June and Ward Cleaver” bit. Oh so NOT in my house
and I’ve decided that it is healthier and my kids will thank me for it! Then I scream into my fitted sheet (silently)…
February 11, 2011 at 8:58 pm
you’ve been peeking into my linen closet, haven’t you
…i’m right there with you, alysia. the frustration, the overwhelmed feeling – with sheets, with doing the doggie-paddle. also with you to help you up from this place with hugs.
~d
xoxoxo
February 11, 2011 at 10:37 pm
oh Alysia-I hear you and feel you. Can’t fold a fitted sheet for the life of me and feel angry a lot. It’s so good that you have encountered this part of you though-maybe you just need to lay that sheet out on the bed for a while and let it be there.
I can also say from personal experience, that when you get more sleep you will feel better. (you’ll still might be angry, but it won’t feel overwhelming.)Sending you sunny warm snow free days from Mexico.
February 12, 2011 at 8:01 am
So I read this night and needed time to process and figure out what I wanted to say. Still not sure of the exact words, cause there are so many words floating in my head. I can say this, I tell my patients all the time to share their feelings in any way shape or form. Tell a friend, dog, pillow, write them down, but just get them out. The anger can strangle you if you let it. Now where to go after “it” is out. Forgiveness, is the next step. You forgive for what can’t be, or for what can’t happen. The expectation of healthy children with no special circumstances has to be changed. When the expectaion of what you wanted is gone, the anger dissipates as well. It ain’t easy, at all. It is a work in progress for me, but it does help, truly it does. Lastly, the shared experience can not, I repeat, can not be underestimated and YOU are doing that and very well I might add! Much props to you and thank-you for allowing me to be with you in the most private of times!
February 12, 2011 at 10:13 am
This post felt like something I needed to hear and like something that made me want to help. We have much in common, and some differences that offer interesting contrasts.
Unlike you, I am, sadly, prone to anger sometimes by nature, and I’ve spent my life trying to take my feelings in a healthier direction.
Was I born with the anger? I don’t think so — I just had a family (parents) that never seemed to work in a healthy way, and I felt at its mercy. You and I both now have families of our own that can be hard to manage…
And neither of us can fold a fitted sheet.
We don’t care about fitted sheets, but we are sick of things coming unraveled.
The title of you post made me gasp last night; right before I read it, I had found myself, out of nowhere, feeling rage rise up at former doctors and therapists who I felt caused harm in our family. One of them I have not seen in three years, and the other we broke from in September, but as I drove home and someone nearly caused a wreck in front of me, it dislodged that compressed frustration. I was yelling in my car, but not at the terrible driver. At Dan and Dr. Shapiro. As soon as I saw your post title, I knew you were right and that together we could help each other — not fold sheets, but breathe. Laugh. Remember. Feel less alone. So I want to tell you that I didn’t sleep for about 4 years and it made me crazy. Melatonin helped a lot. Could it help your kiddo? Or exercise? Diet? If not, remember to be extra kind to yourself, because sleepless is cause for rage. It’s torture.
Hey, you 8-year-old is going through what we allllll do: Why is the grass always greener? It’s true, it’s valid, and yet, it’s important to remember that someone else has no grass. My daughter wants to know why we don’t have a fancy house and pool like her friend, and I show her the homeless people with no food. Yeah, maybe that’s too heavy. But I also help her make a list of things that she has that are happy things — a rope swing in the back yard, parents who love her, a best friend she plays with at every recess…
And I have to tell you, as much as I long for a family vacation, my FB is full of people who take them and come back wishing they had saved the money and just kept their bickering family home!
Two year olds are beautiful little people who do tend to live up to their terrible nickname.
And, as I can tell you as a teacher, MOST kids do better at school than home when they know that their home is the safest place most full of love where they can let go and be understood. Almost every child I’ve ever known had a home self and a school self. I prefer my kids to do better at school than home, or else we’d be in big trouble at school!
You are a wonderful mom doing so much for your family. You are just tired and need some rest, and if I could send you a sitter or respite worker for the weekend, I surely would. I so get it.
One of my best friends is a doctor. We’ve been friends since childhood. I have talked to her about my anger before and she says the same thing Jess does about post traumatic stress disorder — it’s not just for war vets.
I don’t have a cure, and you probably have better strategies than I do, but I hear you asking for help, and so I offer my listening, my concern, my friendship, my tools. Tools: I went to a comedy club the other night, and I left feeling like I’d left behind 20 pounds of stress. The comics were actually angry people themselves in some ways, but they used laughter to lift it away. Sometimes Comedy Central beats therapy! Also, I have a neighbor I love, and sometimes we are able to leave our kids with husbands and go for a 45 minute walk. I come back better. I read all kinds of blogs about autism, and then I read a few blogs about my other interests. Oh, yeah — sometimes I forget I have those. But they help me stay less insane.
Does this help at all? Because I hear you. And I want to help. And I send you a giant hug. You. Are. A. Great. Mother. Remember that for me, ok?
February 12, 2011 at 10:13 am
Angry sucks. But it’s part of life, isn’t it?
You’re doing the right thing identifying the sources and sharing your feelings in a supportive community and taking it out on a fitted sheet is way healthier than some alternatives. Fitted sheets are evil, after all.
Remember that you’re not alone and that even if we don’t all always speak up, you have people who are feeling for you and sending their strength with every post you write. Keep your chin up!
Karla
http://helloworlditskaia.blogspot.com/
February 12, 2011 at 1:37 pm
I get this….man oh man….do I get this, I have nothing to offer but a gigantic hug and to let you know that I can’t fold those damn sheets either. Lots of love
February 12, 2011 at 2:15 pm
Wow. I’m overwhelmed by all these amazing comments. First, thank you all for taking the time to write and share your innermost thoughts. You are all truly remarkable and I’m so lucky to have you in my life – virtual and in person.
Secondly, please don’t worry. I’m not on the verge of a breakdown. most of this anger has been “festering” for a while. I actually feel better now that I wrote it out and shared it. Another reason not to keep it inside.
You’ve all taught me a valuable lesson, which is it’s important to talk and share about the things that make us upset because there’s someone else out there with the same feelings. For that I’m eternally grateful.
alysia
p.s. and a HUGE shoutout to those of you who can’t fold those damn sheets either. You made my day.
February 12, 2011 at 7:51 pm
I’m glad the worst is over. I just want to add my 2 cents about what I’ve learned over the past 10 years of parenting a typically developing child.
1. Kids are ALWAYS better for other people then for their parents. I believe it’s because they know they have to keep it together with nonfamily because the nonfamily can dump them; family won’t. It’s absolutely NOT a reflection of your “poor” parenting skills, but your good parenting skills: it shows that your kids trust you.
2. Rarely does a day go by that I think I did everything for my kid that she needs. I’ve come to terms with the fact that she will probably go into therapy as an adult. But I know she’s warm, fed, and loved every day.
3. My child is perfect. Because a perfect child is one who makes mistakes, doesn’t listen, and all the other annoying habits, such as the “Why can’t we”s… And there are LOADS of them!
4. I had my daughter’s gluten allergy treated the other day (we’re in a flurry of eating all the gluten she’s missed the past 2+ years) and it’s wonderful. But her clearing reaction was heart-wrenching sobs for over an hour over nothing. No trigger. And while I soothed and reassured and cuddled and distracted, I sat there thinking about all the things I’d done wrong over the past 2+ years that she’d stored up that were being released in that devastating hour of tears.
Parenting isn’t easy, no matter what’s on your plate. Knowing it’s okay to share that… and sharing it… knowing you’re not the World’s Worst Mom… knowing that it’s more likely than not that the neighbor who looks like the perfect mommy probably feels just like you do… it helps.
February 13, 2011 at 12:28 am
I know I’m late here, but I wanted to let you know that I SO hear you. I think you and I are living similar lives.
But you know what? You ARE doing everything you can. You are. And you’re doing a great job.
February 13, 2011 at 4:15 pm
I know I’m writing late, and you’ve already gotten such support here, which I’m very glad to see. I can relate to every one of the things on your anger list. I’m sure a lot of us can.
I want to say that I really can’t be bothered with folding fitted sheets. The people for whom these sheets are intended are going to lay, roll,sweat and do lord knows what else on them, and I really do have more important things to do. I can’t be bothered with addressing things that don’t impact what kind of day we’re going to have today. I really can’t.
I bought a Buddhist book actually titled Anger one day when I was really struggling. Its probably not a coincidence that’s it’s written in very brief pages with only a few sentences each – that’s about all I can handle in that frame of mind. It talks about realizing that while the anger is there, it isn’t all that is there, and being able to choose which things in ourselves to feed in order to help them grow. I also end up reading my mom’s Alanon books more when I’m angry – lots of information on how to get through difficult situations that you can’t change, which is pretty much all the stuff that fuels my anger.
For me anger has become this ongoing presence in my life. I’m learning that even when I’m not feeling it, it’s always there somewhere under the surface. It’s like waste that keeps filling up and has to be emptied out once in a while or it overflows. I can’t fix most of the things that act as sources or triggers for the anger, which is probably why they continue to make me angry. All I can do is find ways to process what’s there so it doesn’t take over my life.
I’m glad you have so much support and a way to express yourself to let some of that go. You are doing a great job and doing your best and helping others besides, and it’s OK to give yourself the compassion that you show everyone else – you deserve it.
February 14, 2011 at 4:43 am
Oh Alysia. I am so glad you let that anger out though. To do so is only human and it is okay to be overwhelmed at times. You feel angry and sad…. but you also saw some positives.
You are a FANTASTIC Mum, Alysia. Doing the best that you possibly can. I am in awe of you! Sometimes it’s not possible to accomplish everything in one day. And that’s okay too
xx Jazzy
February 15, 2011 at 11:50 am
lots of hugs my dear
Its so hard some of these days
Mom-nos in a lovely post on HOpeful Parents talked about not ASD but of PTSD for parents of Auties
She had some great suggestions – will you please read some of that
For me – my great burden is guilt – the feeling that I could do so much more
February 15, 2011 at 12:49 pm
Could have written this myself, except I am not so good at the whole keeping my anger inside part. Every day I struggle to not walk into my daughter’s school and have a massive meltdown of my own, and I have let my feelings seep into every part of my life, which isn’t good, I know. It sucks we can’t SIMPLY get help for our kids.
And I can barely fold a regular sheet, let alone a fitted one.
February 19, 2011 at 2:54 pm
What an amazing piece you have just wrote. So great for you to write that, every credit to you. I admire your honestly with yourself and totally understand were you are coming from. I sometimes catch myself with the tears falling and think they are for no reason-but they cleary are lots of reasons. xxxxxx I will check out your other blog posts as well, really enjoyed reading this piece xxx
February 21, 2011 at 10:25 pm
Thank you. It took a while to get this all out – but it was because I would just start to cry (or yell) about the small things and I didn’t know where it was all coming from. Writing it here helped get it all out. I look forward to checking out your blog too!
February 19, 2011 at 8:28 pm
Okay, first of all I can not fold a fitted sheet for the life of me.
Secondly, LOVE Oasis.
Thirdly, and most important, I am incredibly guilty of holding in all my anger. I mean to accept all of my feelings and realize they all need to be validated, but I just keep pushing that anger back until I too just let it all go over some tiny little minuscule trigger. I’ve been there. And I’m glad you were able to get it out, even if it was all piled up from a long time ago.
February 21, 2011 at 10:22 pm
So happy to hear from another fitted sheet hater!
I think we’re all guilty of holding it in, especially as parents. But what I’ve learned from all these comments is that it’s such a common emotion with all of us, and that by sharing it and letting it out, we’re helping each other. I know you’ve helped me by just writing what you wrote here. Thank you.
January 4, 2012 at 2:58 pm
[...] I cried. A lot. And was angry. [...]
January 13, 2012 at 11:26 pm
[...] I cried. A lot. And was angry. [...]