“I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that I’m not the mother I thought I’d be.”
I spent 45 minutes on the phone this morning with a good friend of mine. Like me, she’s a stay-at-home mom with three kids, each with varying degrees of special needs. The conversation started with a discussion about kindergarten next year, and whether or not she was going to have her child in a full day program or a half day program.
“I’m leaning towards full day,” she said, “because I just don’t think I can be home with them anymore. I’m just not cut out to be the mother I thought I wanted to be.”
I thought this was an incredibly brave thing to say. And it sounded very familiar.
I’m definitely not the mother I thought I’d be, either.
When Gerry was born, I had every intention of going back to work. But my job had long, unpredictable hours and the more we researched daycare, the more we realized that my entire salary would be going to pay for his childcare. And when his food intolerance issues cropped up, I knew it was going to be too stressful for me to leave him with anyone else. I had to make sure he was drinking the right formula and eating the right foods, and we were in the doctor’s office for constant weight checks. Financially and logistically, it made sense for me to stay home with him.
(now, I will interject right here that I know how lucky I am that I was able to make that choice to stay home. I know many parents don’t have that luxury, and would rather be home with their children than be at work, but they can’t. I get that and I am grateful to be in the position to make that choice. And my friend feels the same way.)
I told my friend that when I think back on that moment when I decided to stay home, I remember feeling excited and joyful and looked forward to all those milestones we’d reach together. But Gerry was a clingy baby who would only nap on or next to me. I couldn’t do anything for myself during the day. Not even shower. We were together 24 hours a day (he was also sleeping in our bed at night). So, at 15 months old, I put him in daycare two mornings a week.
(I know this was a huge luxury. But I was quickly going crazy, and with no local support system it was the only viable option at the time).
When Howie came along, things got more difficult more quickly. And again, when Howie was two (and I was pregnant with Lewis), I put him in daycare two mornings a week. I told myself that it was necessary with the new baby coming and he needed good peer modeling. Truth is, I needed some quiet alone time.
I told my friend this morning that if Lewis wasn’t the king of naps, there’s a pretty good chance I’d be looking for a daycare arrangement for him now too.
All this goes against everything I thought I’d be as a mother. Of course my kids and I were going to spend every moment together – playgroups, playgrounds, museums and travel adventures. The days would be filled with giggles and delight as we learned about the world together. The TV would never be on. I’d be incredibly patient and never yell. Each one of my kids would have my undivided attention and I could help them with any problem they had. We’d sit and read books and do projects and fall into a big tired heap at the end of the day.
In our own beds.
I didn’t expect to be the mother I am now. The mother who yells and shies away from playgrounds and museums because of the sensory overload. The mother who turns on “Curious George” so I can get some laundry folded and a little bit of quiet time. The mother who has seen machines and wires attached to her kids and spent hours with specialists. The mother who knows the Early Intervention number by heart. The mother writing this blog post in her pajamas at 2pm. The mother who sends her 8 year old to his room to do his homework so he’s not bothered by his siblings. The mother who worries constantly about her kids’ futures, not just 10 years from now, but 10 days from now.
As my friend and I talked, we realized that we’ve changed from the mothers we thought we’d be to the mothers that we have to be.
And for the first time in eight years, I decided I was okay with that.
I know there are mothers and fathers out there who are exactly the type of parents they thought they’d be, and I will admit that I’m slightly envious of that. But my vision of motherhood would not have worked with my family. I can’t be the perfect mom who can spend every moment with my kids.
So who can I be?
I can be the mother who is the first name called out in the middle of the night for comfort. The mother that cheers on one son at the baseball field while chasing the other two off the field. The mother that desperately tries to understand how to play Lego Star Wars on the Wii. The mother that would do anything for my boys. The mother, who every once in a while, needs to be by herself.
By being who I have to be, I’m the mother that my kids need and want me to be.
I wouldn’t want to be anything else but that.
“Well, who are you? (Who are you? Who, who, who, who?)
I really wanna know (Who are you? Who, who, who, who?)
Tell me, who are you? (Who are you? Who, who, who, who?)
‘Cause I really wanna know“- Who Are You by The Who
January 12, 2011 at 7:56 am
You know, I think for everybody the experience of parenthood is different from how they imagined it to be. We all get a bit more pragmatic when reality hits, even the NT parents. I think it is great you’ve realized that who you are is just who you need to be. The “good enough mother” is just right. I think I like this mother that you are a lot better than how the imaginary one sounded.
January 12, 2011 at 8:11 am
I do too. That other mother would have been quite grumpy.
January 12, 2011 at 7:57 am
the mother that takes a risk and offers her friendship to cyber peeps, who has their own kind of specialness happening in their own homes, yep that is the mom you are. and I am forever grateful:) xo!
January 12, 2011 at 8:11 am
awww…thanks
January 12, 2011 at 8:04 am
I think you’re an inspirational mother who is doing a mighty fine job
January 12, 2011 at 8:12 am
thanks. I’m learning from you. Your last posts have been so influential in ways you don’t even know.
January 12, 2011 at 8:14 am
Wow, yet another example of how we’re alike!
I have said those words countless times, and they run through my head daily.
Just yesterday my daughter asked about why we don’t go to playgroups. I would LOVE to do the playgroup thing. I would LOVE to have those happy experiences that I imagined motherhood would be. Realistically though, any attempts at those experiences end up being too emotionally draining (especially when with folks who don’t “get” it).
I too, long desperately to return to work, but need to stay home for the same reasons you mentioned.
Truth be told, if I didn’t get 25 hours of respite while the ABA therapists are here, I WOULD be working, just to get a break from my difficult child (and yes, paying for daycare because it would be worth it for my sanity!)
Thanks for this post. Good to know we’re not alone!
January 12, 2011 at 10:18 am
thank you for sharing that with me. I feel a lot better!
January 12, 2011 at 8:18 am
Thank you for giving a voice to this issue that so many moms face internally. In my case divorce and shared custody forced me to become a very different mother to my kids. Suddenly I wasn’t there with and for them 24 hours a day. It has been difficult to accept that and then to accept that I actually kind of like it. My time away from them allows me to refresh and be just a person for a while so that when they are back with me I can give them all of me. This single mom thanks you for your bravery.
January 12, 2011 at 10:19 am
and this mom thanks you for your never ending support and love
January 12, 2011 at 8:38 am
Thank you for sharing this post Alysia. I think I’m still trying to let go of the expectations I had for Motherhood, that I don’t feel I’m living up to. I agree w/ the other comments – you ARE an inspirational mother. It comes through your writing!
January 12, 2011 at 10:20 am
it’s a never ending battle to give up on what I had hoped I’d be. But I get my inspiration from moms like you – us moms with three boys have to stick together
January 12, 2011 at 9:38 am
Alysia, thank you for reassuring us all that we’re good mothers! I often say I’m a bad mom because I’m not cuddly, don’t like to cook or craft (much), but like you, I’m always the go-to for my daughter when things go wrong. That’s always felt like my safety net — I may not be warm and fuzzy, but clearly my daughter needs me just as I am.
January 12, 2011 at 10:21 am
we sound a lot alike! I don’t like to cook (at all) or craft (at all). But I’m here for what they do need. Just like you!
January 12, 2011 at 10:04 am
Another way we’re all connected! Thank you for sharing this, Alysia… you’ve just put a happier face on the mother who I need to be today, too (compared with who I thought I’d be eight years ago)!
January 12, 2011 at 10:22 am
snow days like this are the biggest reminder for me. I always thought I’d be the mom out with the kids in the snow all day. Truth is, I’m happy in my PJs right now…and I’m ok with that.
January 12, 2011 at 10:46 am
Good for you. It’s like you say, the mother you thought you’d be wouldn’t have worked for your family. We have to become what our kids need us to be, and you’ve done that beautifully.
January 15, 2011 at 10:44 am
thank you
January 12, 2011 at 10:49 am
I hope you are working on a book. I love reading your blog! My mom (when I was grown up) told me she did the best she could at that particular time. Sounds like a pretty good goal. I try to remember it is persistence that gets things done, not perfection. As long our kids feel loved and that we are there for them, things will work out ok. We can’t be perfect all the time.
January 15, 2011 at 10:45 am
a book! yikes – can’t even get out of my pajamas…thank you though.
I love what your mom said – the best we can do at the time. She’s right. thanks for sharing it!
January 12, 2011 at 11:50 am
I think you are a mother who is patient, you may not think it, but I think it! You are a great Mom b/c you aren’t trying to ignore the fact that you need help from support folks and specialists which means you can add brave to that list!
Ask anyone if they are in their dream job and that will pretty much tell you that we all aren’t the person (or mommy) we thought we would be! And that is okay!!!
January 15, 2011 at 10:46 am
you are very sweet! it is totally okay, but in the moment of the mess sometimes it’s hard to remember it. thank you for ALL your encouragement always.
January 12, 2011 at 12:42 pm
I can relate to this too. What I thought motherhood would be like, and what it is, are two pretty different things. It took me awhile to accept that it was OK. I tended to only notice the moms who were crafty and always playing with their kids. When I opened my eyes, I realized there are a lot of moms like me who need some space.
Also, as for being a mom who does or doesn’t cook – let me tell you – it doesn’t matter. I cook all the time. Nearly every meal 3x a day. We rarely eat out or get carry out. And not once have my kids ever said, Mom, thanks for scratch cooking for me. And my mom cooked too, all the time, and honestly, I have few memories of the foods we ate.
So, don’t sweat the crafts and the cooking. I don’t think our kids are.
January 15, 2011 at 10:48 am
thank you for that. That means a lot. I appreciate what you say about the cooking part too. To me, that’s sometimes the part I feel I fail at the most, since I get zero enjoyment out of cooking. Your perspective helps me. Your perspective always helps me, actually
January 12, 2011 at 1:36 pm
Are any of us exactly like the parents we imagined we’d be? I’d be surprised if that were true. If for no other reason than because the “package” that arrives is never the one we thought we ordered. It’s always a surprise — and it’s usually chock full of a bunch of stuff we never thought we’d be able to deal with. But, darn it, no return policy.:)
January 15, 2011 at 10:49 am
ha! no instruction manual either. what is with that?
so who are these mothers than I feel like are better than me?
January 12, 2011 at 2:18 pm
I don’t have the life I thought I would have either.
January 12, 2011 at 3:24 pm
I so needed this today. As I rushed to get the kids ready to take Charlotte to an unplanned doctor’s visit (it’s also a snow day, so Danny is home) I was overcome with despair and anger. Danny fought me because he wanted to stay home in his pjs and he isn’t so great with unplanned plans. And I thought of all those parents out there who can expect their kids to actually not cry because they have to put on real clothes, and I just wanted to scream. I just wanted him to be cooperative and flexible, just this once. His sister was sick and clingy and I didn’t need Danny’s whining and complaining and I was just so jealous of parents with all NT kids.
And I was ashamed at how impatient and frustrated I felt. So, thanks for making me think and let go of some of my preconceived notions of motherhood!
January 15, 2011 at 10:51 am
seriously wonder if we live the same life sometimes.
It’s hard to know if we think the grass is greener on the other side because we see it go well for other parents, or we just assume it goes well for other parents (and it really doesn’t). I don’t know…
January 12, 2011 at 3:51 pm
I find that any time I admit something like this, my other mom friends (with or without special needs kids) join right in. We feel we have to put on this front, but at the heart of it, we’re all just trying to do the best we can. So thank you for sharing, and know that I’m right there with you!
p.s. Now that my 3yo son is in preschool full time (special day class) I’m contemplating putting my not quite 2yo daughter in preschool in the fall as well. The thought of even a couple of mornings a week alone brings me such joy!
January 15, 2011 at 10:52 am
Oh Jen! Thank you for sharing that. My youngest will start preschool in Sept, and I’m thinking of adding days (not limiting them). Everyone asks if I’ll be sad. It’s very hard to admit that I won’t be. He and I both need it, and I appreciate you saying that you do as well. Thank you!
January 12, 2011 at 9:30 pm
I’m not the mom I thought I’d be either. I don’t think any of us are. What I know is that I love my boys more than anything. I do whatever it takes to make sure their needs are being met. And at the end of the day I hope that we’ve had some meaningful bonding time. We all do the best we can. And you seem to be doing great
January 15, 2011 at 10:53 am
thank you. I’m learning from your patience
January 12, 2011 at 9:41 pm
awesome- thank you all for your honesty and your wonderfully heartfelt words…
January 15, 2011 at 10:53 am
aw…thank you.
January 12, 2011 at 9:43 pm
The mother we all thought we’d be is not realistic. It’s the ideal in our heads before all the fun begins. Life never measures up that. It either falls short or exceeds it. It’s a messy, imperfect business.
Trust me, no one is the mother they thought they’d be. No one. Anyone who tells you they are is in complete denial and taking too many pharmaceuticals.
My daughter is 18 now and despite the fact that I’m not June Cleaver, she is happy. That’s what matters. And no, I’m not the mother I thought I’d be. When all is said and done, I’m better, because I’m real and that’s what kids need.
You are totally fine. Totally.
January 15, 2011 at 10:55 am
oh Rachel. Hearing that from you means so much. Thank you.
I like the part about the denial. I just have to wonder why we feel like we have to be something we aren’t sometimes. Or tell other mothers that we’re fine when we aren’t.
January 13, 2011 at 6:12 pm
Oh, Alysia, I can so relate to 100% of this post. Yesterday Jake had a snow day and instead of enjoying the gift of a day off together I had to get a sitter and send him out of the house on adventures because I am still recovering from my surgery and he just can. not. stay. away. Sigh. I felt so sad.
Love to you. Yay for accepting ourselves and our families for who and what we / they are.
January 15, 2011 at 10:56 am
and love to you as well. Thank you for expressing the same thing I was feeling on that snow day (and every day).
Now get some rest!!
January 14, 2011 at 7:30 am
You are the best mother for your boys, even if you are not the mother you *thought* you’d be. (I don’t think any of us are the mother we thought we’d be, and those perfect looking mothers–are not perfect behind closed doors!)
January 15, 2011 at 10:57 am
Awww…thanks Kim. That means a lot.
Now let’s make those mothers open up their doors so we can see that mess!
January 15, 2011 at 1:30 pm
I found you via the LBS blog hop. I just had to visit. After all, you chose one of my favorite songs as your blog title.
I love this post and agree completely. As a SAHM, sometimes you just need some alone time. And sometimes your expectations and reality are not going to mesh well, as you said. You’re totally right. Sometimes that’s just the way it’s gotta be.
January 17, 2011 at 1:58 pm
one of my favorite songs too (obviously!) Thank you for visiting! That alone time is fleeting when we’re home – thank you for your supportive comment!
January 15, 2011 at 3:59 pm
Hi,
I am following from the LBS tea party.
I love your honesty about being a mother. It’s a tough job. I also love that you talked about having the choice to stay home when others don’t. Too often there is too much of a fight over who is the better mother a SAHM or a WM. When we should be wrapping our virtual arms around one another and patting each other on the backs for a job well done! Consider this a hug for a job well done!!
Julz@ http://www.julzjewlz.com and http://spookyjulz.blogspot.com/
January 17, 2011 at 1:59 pm
Hi! Thanks for coming here from LBS! I appreciate your comment about the choice we made, and it wasn’t an easy one. But you’re right – we need to support each other as mothers whatever we do. Thank you!
January 15, 2011 at 4:04 pm
so well said. our children change us, challenge us, humble us, strengthen us, shape us into who we are as mothers. glad you’re sharing your motherhood with us here.
January 17, 2011 at 2:00 pm
and thank you for sharing your journey with all of us as well. You are an inspiration.
January 17, 2011 at 8:11 am
I think that’s one of the hardest things we have to do as parents of special needs children. Finding your own time, your own identity and trying to take care of your children’s needs is daunting and exhausting at times. I think you hit the nail on the head with this post.
January 17, 2011 at 2:01 pm
thank you. I’m learning a lot from other mothers like you who have some of this figured out – how to create our own identities without losing our identity as mother.
January 17, 2011 at 1:50 pm
Being a mom isn’t something that I could have understood before it happened. I think it’s always evolving too. Who knows who I’ll be in 10 years? I just know that I’m the best mom there could be for one little girl.
I enjoyed this post. You sound like a wonderful mother, even if it’s not quite what you expected.
January 17, 2011 at 2:02 pm
thank you very much. You said it much better than I did – it’s always evolving and fluid. Who knows what tomorrow will bring? the best we can do is be there for our kids when they need us. thank you for your supportive comment!
January 17, 2011 at 6:19 pm
I think this post will resonate with all mothers, not just those whose kids have special needs. We all make the best choices we can at any moment, try our best to keep everyone happy and make our way every day. I’m really pleased I found your blog.
January 17, 2011 at 6:52 pm
I’m so glad you did too!! I’m heading over to check our your blog now!
January 18, 2011 at 1:42 pm
Thanks for saying this. It’s taken me this long to find time to get around to reading this post, but with all three boys home from school on a snow day after already being home for a three day weekend, today is a day when I really needed to hear it.
Diane
January 19, 2011 at 10:20 am
I cried while I read this post. I’m still coming to terms with the difference between the mother I wanted to be and the mother I have to be. It’s not an easy thing. But you (and it looks like most of your readers already know that).
Thank you for putting it out there and giving the rest of us the encouragement we need to know that we are doing the right thing — one way or another!
Karla
http://helloworlditskaia.blogspot.com/
January 25, 2011 at 5:14 pm
Holy wow did this one hit home. My experience parallels yours quite a bit, and I’m just barely starting to come to terms with the kind of mother it turns out I have to be.