On Thursday, I made my triumphant return to storytime at the library.
There was no parade, no confetti, no shouts of “You Go Girl!!”. But there should have been.
It was the first activity that Lewis and I had ever done together. Yes, we’ve been to the supermarket, Target, and many other shopping adventures. But never an actual “activity”. Never something just for him. And for me.
It wasn’t always like this. When Gerry was a baby, we did everything. We did all those gymnastics classes, music classes, and puppet shows. I’d take him to the park to play and we’d stay all morning. And we went to story time at our local library before he was old enough to walk. Gerry would stay close to me, right in my lap, and while the other kids got up to explore, he always stayed put until the librarian was finished. We’d spend hours at the library, sitting at the table, reading books, choosing our favorites and taking them home.
When Howie was a baby, we tried all those things again. Before Howie was old enough for his own story time, I’d try to take Gerry to different activities at the library so he wasn’t missing out. We had just moved to town and I thought it was a good way to meet other kids and parents. Inevitably, I’d spend the whole time in the hallway with Howie. He was either screaming, crying, or running away. Following close behind would be Gerry, because he didn’t want to be in there alone. After several attempts, we just stopped going. I tried a few times when Howie was older (with baby Lewis in tow) and he still couldn’t sit there…for anything. It was embarrassing. I felt like the only one there chasing after her kid, covering his ears so the music wasn’t so loud or pulling him away from the crayons because it wasn’t craft time yet. So after getting yelled at by the librarian for signing up for events and not showing up, we stopped even trying.
When Lewis was finally old enough for his own story time, I was a bit reluctant. Ok, VERY reluctant. Once bitten, twice shy. I thought it was better for us to just do our own thing. I can read to him. I can color with him. I didn’t want to go through the same embarrassment again.
But both my pediatrician and speech therapist told me Lewis needed be around kids his own age. He needed to hear other 2 year olds talking and he needed to learn how to play and interact with them. My friend has a 2 1/2 yr old, so we started searching around for activities that we could try – gymnastics, music classes – to get ourselves back out there. I turned them all down. It cost too much, it was 25 minutes away, the time of day was bad. But really, I was just too afraid.
Then, the flyer for story time at the library came home. A time just for 18 month olds – 3 yr olds. Free. Five minutes away. 10:45am.
It was like the library wrote the flyer just for us. So my friend and I signed up. Thursday was the first class.
I’d like to say it all went smoothly. That Lewis sat in my lap and listened to the story and danced to the music and did the craft. He didn’t. The crayons were out when we first got there and all he wanted to do was color. Of course, that was last on the agenda, and I had to keep pulling him away from the craft table. He stood on my lap during the first story, left the room during the second one, and refused to give up his bean bag during the “pass the bean bag” game.
But you know what? I didn’t care.
This time, I didn’t care what the librarian or the other parents thought. We did our best to conform with the story time flow, but if we couldn’t, we didn’t. When he screamed because he couldn’t color, I gave him his pacifier. When he couldn’t sit, I let him stand, and when he couldn’t stand anymore, we left the room until he could come back again. I didn’t force him to give up his bean bag for the game. And looking around at the other kids? They weren’t playing by the “rules” either.
When it was time to color, Lewis sat very nicely at the table. He picked out the green crayon to match his shirt, and colored his little cut out person with scribbles and dots. And when he was done, we were done. I didn’t wait for some goodbye cue from the librarian. I followed my own kid’s cues. We left the library with my friend and her son. No meltdowns. No tantrums. No screaming and yelling. Lewis held my hand as we walked down the path to our car and we went home. Just like that.
To say that my kids are different would be ridiculous and obvious. Of course they are different – every kid is. They have different strengths and challenges. Howie is very articulate, yet struggles with sensory overload, auditory processing and behavior control. Lewis is the opposite. Certain activities will work for one child and won’t work for another. There’s nothing wrong or shameful about that.
What I have to remember is that I am different now too. I am a different parent than I was four years ago or even two years ago. I understand my kids’ limits better and when it’s ok to push them and when it’s ok to pull back. I am more focused on their needs and not conforming to what the librarian wants or thinks. I attempt to work with in the parameters of the activity, and if my kids can’t do it, we leave and return when and if we can. I’m not going to make the experience miserable for my child, the librarian or the other families in the room.
No more embarrassment, no more shame. It’s not worth it. Because the alternative is to never leave the house. That can’t be an option.
So when the next Thursday story time comes around, we’ll be there again. I’m actually looking forward to it this time.
“You remind me I live in a shell
safe from the past, and doing’ okay
but not very well
No jolts, no surprises
No crisis arises
My life goes along as it should
It’s all very nice but not very good
And I’m ready to take
a chance again” – Ready to Take a Chance Again by Barry Manilow
November 20, 2010 at 11:04 am
Congratulations! I’m very proud of you for trying again (and I don’t mean that as condescending, I promise!!) It is hard to try again. We are heading to family day at a local farm today. I’m understandably nervous. Wish us luck!
November 20, 2010 at 1:37 pm
Thank you! It felt pretty good! Good luck today. I hope it turns out like you want.
November 20, 2010 at 11:39 am
YOU GO GIRL!!!!!!
That’s awesome that you tried it, that you conformed to your kid’s needs and nothing else, that you’re proud of yourself (cause you should be), and that you’re gonna do it again!
YOU GO!!!
November 20, 2010 at 1:37 pm
thank you. I need you as a cheerleader in my house.
November 20, 2010 at 12:05 pm
thank you for your honesty. the fear can be paralyzing. and if you hadn’t said this ..
And looking around at the other kids? They weren’t playing by the “rules” either.
i would have. the more i am able to broaden out my own painfully magnified lens, the more i tend to realize that not every other kid is doing what’s being asked and even more shockingly, not everyone is staring at us. 🙂
November 20, 2010 at 1:38 pm
Thank you. It only took me 8 years and 3 kids to figure that out. 🙂
Sometimes I feel like all eyes are on us, but maybe it’s just my own insecurities making me think that way.
November 20, 2010 at 12:08 pm
You are an AWESOME MOM!
You go girl!
I am very proud of you– to not only go and be apart of the “public” but then to share it with us– Girl your courage is amazing and you should be proud! Not to mention how you dealt with your son.–
November 20, 2010 at 1:39 pm
awwww…thanks.
November 20, 2010 at 12:31 pm
Fantastic… well done you! Why should you be embarrassed? This is really good for Lewis and you’re right to follow his cues for now. He’s so young…. too much to expect him to conform. Why can’t he just colour and then listen to the story telling when HE’S ready?? It may take weeks but so what???I’m sure the story teller would understand. He may learn the cues from the others in his own time :-))
I am so glad that you found a lovely activity, a special time for you both.
xx Jazzy
November 20, 2010 at 1:48 pm
thank you. I agree that it was a lot to expect from this age, but we were giving it a try. The librarian had a very, um, set way she wanted things to go since she said it worked great with the 3-5yr olds. We’re working on reminding her these guys aren’t three yet.
November 20, 2010 at 1:11 pm
Congratulations! Way to listen to yourself and your kids. Now I’m wondering why the librarian has the crayons out if they don’t want the kids to use them?
November 20, 2010 at 1:49 pm
ummmm…yeah. We thought the same thing. My friend is on it. She’s working on a tactful way to tell the librarian that having the craft activity out early is just too hard for kids this age. I’m not sure I could be as tactful as she will be. 🙂
November 20, 2010 at 2:17 pm
Oh yes, I need to tell you about our experience with Cubby. I’ll get around to it. This was great. He did great, and you did great. And your friend who is willing to join in activities that are okay with you- she is great too. Wish I lived closer, we’d have some great play dates. And our library does the same thing with the crayons- just foolish! And why not have a couple more bean bags too, please?
I love how your writing takes us with you. 🙂
November 20, 2010 at 6:08 pm
can’t wait to hear about it!
I’ll know better next time to steer him away from the crayons, instead of right to them. I didn’t get the memo that they were for the end of the day 🙂
November 20, 2010 at 2:18 pm
Okay, we could talk about this for about an hour. We totally went through all of this nightmarishness. The thing is, I don’t know why anyone is actually SURPRISED when a mom has to bolt early or take her kid out of a place. Or when a 2 year old is being disruptive. Because they’re TWO! I’m not sure when we all decided that really small kids came out and immediately knew how to sit in circle, wait their turn, and be cool about not doing something that’s right in front of them (like coloring). Anyway, that aside, I’m glad everything went so well. And I think the fact that you frankly don’t give a damn is WHY it really went so well. And why you can help so many other moms in this position.
And one more thing. While I agree that it’s good to get out and do stuff, I don’t actually agree with your doc and speech therapist. At 2, they’re still in parallel play. And those kids can’t speak very well anyway. I think Lewis is going to benefit greatly from hanging out with you and his big brothers — people who will engage him and talk in complete sentences and clear words. Two year olds don’t know what the hell they’re supposed to be doing in the world — autistic or not.
November 20, 2010 at 6:11 pm
You know I totally agree with you. I think this was a case of this set up working with the 3-5yr old set, so she guessed it would work with the younger set. You’re totally right – just getting them to be in the room the whole time at age 2 is an accomplishment. This was only the second time she’s run a toddler time for kids this young…ever. Don’t worry. My friend will set her straight 🙂
November 20, 2010 at 2:20 pm
Nice going! I bet with each new visit to the library Lewis will become more familiar with the routine and it will all go smoother than the time before. You go girl!
November 20, 2010 at 9:48 pm
boy I need to reread this from time to time, you know when I start to judge my kid for doing something that maybe another child isn’t doing, say singing on a train. there is nothing wrong with singing on a train, but because he has a diagnosis, you know where I am going with this right…..no more judging.
November 20, 2010 at 9:57 pm
It’s hard, I think, because you feel like all eyes are on you and your kid. Maybe they are. If he’s not bothering anyone…does it matter? Sometimes I realize I’m the only one it’s bothering. That hits me hard. I, for one, would love to hear your son sing on a train. I bet it’s lovely 🙂
November 20, 2010 at 11:37 pm
Good for you!!! I’m so glad that you tried again and listened to your instincts! I love that you realized that not all the other kids were playing by the “rules.” My husband points that out to me a lot about other typical kids behavior – that most of them are loud and obnoxious at times, just like our kid 🙂
Feel proud of yourself Mom–you’re doing a great job!
November 21, 2010 at 6:44 am
awww…thanks! My husband points it out too – I wonder what it is that they can see it sometimes and we can’t? I don’t know…
November 21, 2010 at 9:21 am
doing things in numbers helps me feel more like the spotlight is not on me. You actually helped push me into getting out there again with my #2. You projected “calm” believe it or not..Lastly don’t forget that it was my guy in the crayons first! 🙂
November 21, 2010 at 9:29 pm
well, my friend, I never would have made it anywhere near the library if it wasn’t for you. I thought you were the calm one! And now, who will talk to her about those crayons…
November 21, 2010 at 12:56 pm
Thank you for this. After our first disastrous attempts to even go to the open children’s area (never mind story time!) I gave up on the library with Bear. I just did a test run about 2 weeks ago (after a year away) and he didn’t run and scream (thank you, Early Intervention!). But I’ve still been too scared to risk story time. You’ve inspired me to check our library’s schedule for the next available event.
November 21, 2010 at 9:27 pm
A test run! What a great idea! I might have to try that with my 4 yr old. What’s the worst that happens, right? 🙂
November 21, 2010 at 7:13 pm
Great post and the fact that you quoted Barry was icing on the cake. Some situations you can’t change, but you can change how you deal with them. Your new perspective sounds perfectly balanced and considerate of others while remembering your child’s comfort level and needs.
November 21, 2010 at 9:26 pm
Thank you! It is all about perspective sometimes, isn’t it?