School of Parenting
Course: Sleep Management 101
“Sleep Baby Sleep” – Case Study #1: The Butler Family Corporation
The Butler Family Corporation is a medium sized group located in a fairly small community. The corporation is headed by the co-CEOs, Mr and Mrs. Butler. They have three young boys ranging in age from almost 2 to eight years old. The company’s main job is to provide clothing, food, shelter, unconditional love and guidance to the three boys to help create new valuable members of society.
Sleep has been an issue for the Butler Corporation almost since its first member joined a little over eight years ago. The first child, Gerry, was a terrible sleeper. While originally thought to be caused by the use of cloth diapers (Mrs. Butler thought that using them made Gerry wake up every time he was wet), the main reason for the child’s sleep issues were that he liked being with someone when sleeping. Gerry took his naps on or next to Mr. and Mrs. Butler until he was 20 months old, until Mrs. Butler finally developed a good nap time routine. Night times were more difficult, and while Gerry started out in his crib at night eventually he made his way into Mr. and Mrs. Butler’s bed. Mrs. Butler was quite ashamed of this behavior, since all her friends had their kids sleeping in their own beds. She never talked about it with anyone outside of the corporate inner circle. It wasn’t until Gerry was over 4 years old that he stayed in his bed all night long. He has been there ever since.
About that time, the next member of the corporation arrived. Howie’s bedtime struggles were worse. Howie was colicky and woke up every 45 minutes to nurse. He would only sleep if touching someone, and even then was up all the time. Nap times were worse – every nap was on someone’s lap and even those naps were usually cat naps. The problems were compounded by the fact that Mrs. Butler was also trying to take care of Gerry’s needs, so Gerry ended up watching a lot of TV and playing on his own while Howie slept. Howie’s sleep issues became such a problem that Mrs. Butler took him to see many experts, including Dr. Ferber’s sleep clinic at Children’s Hospital at age 2. Howie (and Mrs. Butler) endured one overnight sleep study and one 24 hour EEG. The results showed abnormal brain “blips” that were diagnosed by Dr. Ferber’s colleague as “rolandic benign epilepsy”. Mrs. Butler was told to basically ignore this – there had been no evidence of seizures and if none were observed by the time Howie was 11 or 12 years old, then he had outgrown the diagnosis. Mrs. Butler was sent home with instructions to leave Howie in his crib screaming, and if he threw up, she was to clean it up and leave him in there, basically telling her that the sleep problems were a result of poor parenting routines. Mrs. Butler was beside herself with this, and after a few nights of Mr. Butler trying the technique, Howie was back in the bed with them.
Mrs. Butler began to look for other reasons why Howie wasn’t sleeping, including reflux or allergies. Howie went through more testing to rule out anything physiological. Mrs. Butler had also found out around this time that another member would be joining the corporation in nine months, and the search for answers became desperate. Mr. and Mrs. Butler knew that Howie had to get out of their bed with another baby on the way. Mrs. Butler spent several months of her pregnancy sleeping on the floor next to Howie’s mattress, as well as sleeping in Howie’s big boy bed with him. Early Intervention had been called in at this point, and Howie had been given the diagnosis of Sensory Processing Disorder by their occupational therapist (and later at age 3 1/2 his autism spectrum diagnosis). He started working with the OT on his sensory issues and that was leading to some success at the sleep level.
In the fall of 2008, the final member of the corporation arrived. Lewis was a better sleeper from the start. However, he still started out in the bed with Mrs. Butler to ease with feeding as she recovered from her third C-section and almost 3 years of sleep deprivation. Determined not to make the same mistake a third time, Mr. Butler made it his mission to get Lewis to sleep in his crib as soon as possible, especially since Howie was still having several night wakings per night. Mr. Butler successfully achieved his goal on Christmas Day 2009, and from that moment on Lewis napped and slept in his crib through the night.
There was a period of time when sleep was going quite well for the members of the corporation. Gerry was continuing to sleep fine on his own. Thanks to weighted blankets, melatonin and a better understanding of sensory issues, Howie was sleeping through the night in his own bed at least 75% of the week. He still needed someone to lay next to him while falling asleep, but was usually able to stay there all night long. Lewis would go to bed in his crib at the same time as everyone else, and would stay asleep until the morning. Mr. Butler was finally getting some sleep.
Mrs. Butler on the other hand, was having trouble. She would wake up every few hours waiting for the shoe to drop. After over 4 years of not sleeping, she was having trouble training herself to sleep soundly again. Every noise she heard on the monitor or from the boys’ rooms in the middle of the night sent her out of bed quickly, trying to manage the situation before the whole house woke up. If Lewis cried a bit, she would run into his room and pop his pacifier back in. If Howie moaned or shuffled in his bed while sleeping, she quickly fixed his covers and weighted blanket so he would settle back down again. Mrs. Butler knew that the alternative might be hours of screaming and crying, causing everyone in the house to be awake. She was willing to sacrifice her sleep to make sure everyone else was getting the rest they needed.
This has been an ongoing issue for Mrs. Butler and the whole Butler corporation. Recently, things have changed back to old sleeping patterns. Gerry, while sleeping through the night, is having a hard time falling asleep. Howie’s night wakings have returned, and increasing the melatonin dosage has not helped. And Lewis, previously the best sleeper in the house, is fighting naps and bedtime, and is up two or three times during the night.
The challenges for the Butler Corporation regarding sleep are many. The lack of sleep causes irritability and quick-tempered behavior from everyone, but especially Mrs. Butler. This is especially hard for her because she has never considered herself a “yeller”. The Butler Corporation is at their wits end, and would do anything for one good night’s rest.
The Case Questions: As special counsel to the Butler Corporation, please identify and evaluate one or two strategies that you think would help keep this company afloat. Consider the solutions that they have already tried, and analyze where they might have chosen a different path. Recommend a specific action plan to help them more efficiently manage sleep in their house.
And if you can’t do that, just let them know that this happens in your house too, and that they are not alone in their sleep misery.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________
“Sleep, baby, sleep
Your father tends the sheep
Your mother shakes the dreamland tree
And from it fall sweet dreams for thee
Sleep, baby, sleep
Sleep, baby, sleep” – Sleep Baby Sleep, A Lullaby
September 29, 2010 at 1:17 pm
I’ll be avidly reading the comments for suggestions myself. When I was living the high life in London, going out almost every night, I’d say “sleep is for the weak”, because I only had to get through work the next day which was EASY. Now, lack of sleep is making me weak. We’ve tried it all too. A bed tent being the only thing that got us out of her bed, though she still wants us in the room until she is asleep. We have very early risings too- 4 this morning, and it is still dark and quiet outside. It is like she just doesn’t need it! Thing 2 sleeps better, but still needs our presence in his bed. Sigh.
September 29, 2010 at 8:18 pm
Just had a thought. Cubby took a 3 1/2 hour nap today in my bed. I was with him until he fell asleep (instantly) but got up and left him there. One piece of the sensory puzzle I haven’t looked at is scent. I wonder if the smell of Pudding’s sheets is the issue. I wonder if anyone has ever tried aromatherapy, or something similar with their kids?
September 29, 2010 at 11:09 pm
my Howie is the same way. If he comes in here in the middle of the night and stays, he’s out and stays asleep even when we get up. I definitely think there’s something to scent w/sensory issues. You just have to create a perfume that smells like you
September 30, 2010 at 7:33 am
That can be done! When I took my 3 month old to an in-home daycare the first time she asked me to put a couple of baby blankets near my pillow for a few days so that he would have something that smelled like me. I would try it – especially with the little guy.
September 30, 2010 at 8:04 am
Mir of wouldacouldashoulda has a book titled Sleep is for the weak. – May put a little humor on the situation. She has a child on the spectrum.
September 30, 2010 at 1:35 pm
Thanks! I’ll have to check that out! Glad to know it’s a common theme.
September 29, 2010 at 1:54 pm
I too have a 3ittle one hes 2 1/2. Hubbys lets him sleep with us. I can just imagine the day hubby decides to move him to his bed its going to be horrible. I know usually its mommies who let the little one into the bed but I Promise it wasnt me.
September 29, 2010 at 2:09 pm
I’ll be the one to say you’re not alone and this happens in our house too. I, too, will be rereading for suggestions. All the doctors want to do is put on medications for sleep. I’m not in to the side effects though. Still beside the bed until asleep, but during the night returns to our bed.
“We’re all in this together
And it shows
When we stand
Hand in hand
Make our dreams come true”…high school musical
September 29, 2010 at 2:26 pm
Alysia we really have so much in common it boggles me.
All of our children require much coaxing and magical combinations of any or all of the following to go to sleep and/or STAY asleep: music, noise machines, night lights, back rubs, melatonin, special hugs, shushing, rocking, massage…our 6yr old has to have someone with him right up until he’s on the verge of sleep (actually it has to be Daddy. I get yelled at.) The 2yr old has to be held and laid next to until AFTER he’s asleep. The 4yr old is our best sleeper (currently) and we can quietly leave his room after regular routine. He will even put himself back to sleep if he has to get up to potty during the night – but he HAS to have his classical music cd on repeat and has to have just the right set-up of nightlight and drink bottle and all his stuffy creatures.
We have tried various pairings of room-sharing, sometimes successful, sometimes not. Both the 6 and 4yr old spent a year to a year and a half on a sleeping bag next to our bed, as toddlers, and then finally transitioned to their own rooms again. The 2yr old still sleeps in our bed with us 90% of the time.
We had 3 babies in just under 4 years, so it has been a long, lonnng road of ups and downs with sleep challenges. Right in your shoes sister, right in your shoes.
We did have some brief success once with a reward chart – earn a sticker for every night you stay in your own bed all night (or go BACK to your own bed w/out a fit if you have woken up, because we had hiz-uge issues with 2am meltdowns for awhile), and then once you get ten stickers you earn a prize. For my 6 and 4yr old it was a Bakugan.
Hang in there Momma!
September 29, 2010 at 3:19 pm
We were never let the kids sleep in our bed due to Mr. S’s sleep problems but I spent the first few months sleeping in P and K’s rooms in a twin bed. J didn’t get that luxury because we were out of beds! Quite frankly I loved sleeping with my babies, though it is no longer recommended. Sleep in our house goes in cycles. Rarely is everyone sleeping well. K is the best sleeper now but about 4 years ago she woke us up nightly for no good reason. We finally resorted to a bribe of a Webkinz she really wanted if she didn’t wake us for 7 straight nights. It took about a month until she was actually able to do it. Even now J wakes us up most nights to pee. I’m hoping when his bladder is bigger he no longer will have to.
My recommendations for the Butler corporation (which may or may not work):
1. Let Gerry look at a book in bed if he can’t sleep with a flashlight or a booklight. Limit to a time period, say 10 minutes. Remind him he has to actually be lying down to fall asleep (have said this many times myself).
2. Make sure Howie’s bed is still cozy for him and well set up before he goes to bed. He has grown so does he need more covers? A heavier blanket? Less or more stuff in bed with him? Definitely watch after dinner drinks.
3. With Lewis keep a routine going. Being consistent will help. Watch drinks too and invest in some Overnight Huggies if you are not already using them. : He may be getting ready for a growth spurt.
4. For Mrs. B – watch afternoon caffeine intake (if any), breathe deeply and think positive thoughts, try the melatonin and write down those worries that are keeping you up. Sometimes a move from the bed to the couch helps me when I am restless. This too will pass!
September 29, 2010 at 4:09 pm
You are not alone!! We are still having sleep issues here too! When Sarah was little, she would go to sleep in her crib by herself, she was so happy to be there and would sleep through the night. Then when she got her big girl bed, we started lying down with her. I’m not sure if this started because of her anxiety or because of ours. But we continued to do that until this summer. She sometimes has nightmares and would come running into our room in the middle of the night. Our pediatrician suggested that lying down with her to get her to sleep may be adding to the problem, so we started sitting in her room until she fell asleep, now we are out in the hallway until she falls asleep. Hopefully soon we can just say goodnight after our routine and she will be good.
Of course we are making the same mistake with Emma, we are still lying down with her until she falls asleep. She sleeps through most nights. But they still wake up in the night a few nights a week and end up in bed with us. Not sure what to do about that. When both girls come in, Seth will usually take one of the them into their own room. I don’t know what to do about the middle of the night wakings.
We are with you!! Let us know if you get any good tips!!!
September 29, 2010 at 4:14 pm
Oh sleep, sweet, wonderful sleep. What I wouldn’t give for some sleep.
B is FINALLY, at the age of five, sleeping through the night most nights after finding the perfect combination of melatonin, white noise, a weighted blanket and cuddles until he falls asleep.
Since A was born, I have been waking up with him like he is a newborn, never getting more than a few hours of sleep at a time, even when he is co-sleeping.
We did the progressive cry it out method, where I would go in at 2 minutes, 5 minutes, 10 minutes, etc. he would fall asleep on his own the first time, but then I would end up awake for 3 or more hours during the middle of the night each night.
When I just let him straight cry it out, he will get to the point where he starts hyperventilating and will start bashing his face on his crib rails.
If I stay in his room, while he falls asleep he just gets even more pissed off.
I have tried to move his bedtime earlier, that doesn’t work either.
I don’t know what else to try and neither does anyone else. When I tell the “experts” this stuff, they just say it sounds like I have tried it all. So, I just go into survival mode and let him wake up and nurse every 2-3 hours because at least he isn’t crying and at least I can lay down and be half asleep while he falls back asleep.
Oh how I miss sleep.
September 29, 2010 at 4:14 pm
…and that was all to say, you are not alone, not by a long shot.
September 29, 2010 at 4:23 pm
I like the style yo wrote this in. It makes it fun and kind of funny.
I actually happen to be the mother of 3 children ages 5, 4 and 2 and I am expecting my 4th in January. My kids slept through the night by 6 weeks, and have ALWAYS slept in their own beds.
If you like this, as some moms do- being able to rock your baby to sleep, family bed, etc, by all means keep doing it! Otherwise, having had 3 babies who, by the way, who did not sleep naturally through night- they had to be taught- it CAN be done,and it can be done by ANY parent, and my kids never had to CIO.
However, any doctor or baby “expert” who says you can’t spoil an infant is full of crap. Babies start learning what they can and can’t get away with from the day they’re born.
Following you now from MBC!!! I’d love for you to visit me too!
September 29, 2010 at 4:35 pm
We are so, so, sooo in the same place!!! You are absolutely not alone…
Our 8-yr-old just began sleeping (mostly) thru the night in his own bed (usually) this year… though I must lay with him (only me) scratching his back until he falls asleep and he is in our bed by 4 a.m. which is much better than before (yet last night was 3 a.m.). Many methods over many years, weighted blankets and all… the patterns seem to coincide with changes – seasons, daylight savings, viruses, night terrors, moods, you get the idea! Naps? Ah, no. Only on occasion in the car many moons ago.
Our 4-yr-old (and best sleeper) also had colic and nursed hourly for – a v-e-r-y long time. In our exhaustion we were determined to have a “crib sleeper” and she agreed at 18 months. Until the night terrors began… and the SPD challenges crept into her (and our) nights. She never did nap, but she still sleeps most soundly of all three. That means she’s up an average of 3-4 times per night these days.
Our littlest guy is 21 months and hasn’t ever really cared much for sleeping. Unless he’s on or next to mommy or daddy. For about 30-40 minutes at a time. After midnight, though, it’s all mommy. We gave away his crib at 18 months since it was clearly only there for decoration. His toddler bed remains… a cozy nook for his animals, since he’s with us. Nightly.
I jump up at the mere wimper of anyone to prevent the “whole house meltdown,” do my writing at 2 a.m., and in lieu of gifts ask only for a nap… anyone’s nap will do = ) Yes, we are in the same place, my friend… over the last month everyone’s headed back to old sleepless patterns, too – and I’ll be tuned in for any ideas from other families!
Sending you calm, sleepy energy ; )
September 29, 2010 at 7:35 pm
Oh we have been there too. Fun times. We did Ferberize (sort of) our babies but it took a week of H. E. Double Hockey Sticks to get it done. I’m talking about practically no sleep for either child (they shared a room) or mom, while dad snored away oblivious. Couple suggestions:
1) stop using a monitor and sleep with your door closed. You know your kids. If it is so bad that they start screaming you will be able to differentiate between “my foot is stuck in the slats of the bed and I am in pain” vs “I am mad that you have not yet responded to my calls.” Hopefully before too long you will stop waking at every noise. Took me a little while but by baby #2 I didn’t even use a monitor.
2) Sticker chart worked for the 2-3 year old range when out of nowhere started waking up in the middle of the night. Got a sticker for staying in bed until Mama came to get her, at night and for nap.
3) Suggested by a friend of twins who were destroying their room in anger when they were not let out trying to prolong bedtime…this worked great. Take every single thing out of the room except the bed and a comfort animal or blanket (they get to choose before bed). Militantly adhere to your bedtime routine (we did bath, then fun activity like game or dance time, then potty, story, snuggle, off to bed). If they wake up at night there will be nothing in the room to play with or keep them awake and they have less incentive to stay awake. Ignore all behavior except as mentioned above unless someone is getting hurt or is sick (all bets are off when sick). If necessary lock them in from the outside (turn the door knob around).
4) Routine, routine, routine. Reward when they stay asleep, ignore when they do not. Stick to your guns no matter how hard it seems. One week (or one month) is nothing compared to years of no sleep. Either way you aren’t sleeping so may as well get them trained and then reap the rewards for the next several years.
Good luck! Love reading your posts!
September 29, 2010 at 11:28 pm
Wow – thank you everyone!
First, thanks for indulging me writing in the third person. Felt a little like Elmo.
Secondly, thank you to all of you who are going through the same sleep woes that we are. It’s helpful to know that I’m not the only one awake at 1am, 3am, 5am…
And thirdly, thanks for all the advice. Some of the incentive things (like sticker charts, etc.) have worked in the past w/Gerry and I expect will work in the future with Lewis. I agree that a consistent routine is key. I think Gerry is going thru some school anxiety stuff that’s keeping him awake, and Lewis is growing physically/developmentally (he’s starting to talk more) and I’m guessing that’s interfering with sleep. And he’s sick.
For Howie, he’s my enigma. One thing will work one day, but not the next. I think it’s the nature of the spectrum disorder and sensory disorder. So much depends on the day – food/sensory input/activity level – that we can’t predict what will work. I think that’s why incentives like sticker charts don’t work for him. He needs immediate gratification (like the behavior management he gets in school) but he doesn’t get the delayed gratification of a sticker chart. Yet. But we keep trying.
thanks everyone!!
September 29, 2010 at 11:39 pm
Oh no, you are really not alone. The best thing I ever did was bring my son’s crib into my bedroom. I don’t enjoy sharing my bedroom but my son sleeps sssooo much better. He had a lot of trauma before I got him, so I don’t think it was all sensory related. But everything I read about sensory issues says that the bring is on constant fight or flight. If your boys are sleeping better with you, they must feel safer with you. I know the end goal is getting them in their own beds in their own rooms but a good compromise might be letting them sleep in a bed, sleeping bag, blow up mattress – whatever – in your room. Then you get your bed and everyone gets some sleep. (Hopefully).
September 30, 2010 at 7:43 am
One thing that helped with my little guy was putting a fish tank in his room (on a very stable stand). The noise of the filter is a good white noise, he wanted a light and this gives him one that’s not too bright and watching fish is actually pretty restful. He’s also getting the joy of watching the babies grow up because I got him some platy’s and they’re like rabbits.
On nights when he’s having a hard time fall asleep, he’ll go down to the foot of his bed where he can see it better and just lay there and watch them.
September 30, 2010 at 8:15 am
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by akbutler, akbutler. akbutler said: Am I the only one not sleeping? Sleep Baby Sleep: http://t.co/qxzRkj4 #autism #specialneeds #sensory [...]
September 30, 2010 at 8:15 am
Last night I was going to introduce you to Casdok, but then I saw you had commented on her post about sleep deprivation.
Take your corporation into receivership. Make all business directed at a single focus – one full hour of exercise for each member each day. Allot a specific time frame for this recovery of resultant sleep for each member and the co-CEOs. If results are not achieved within the allotted time, consider investing in hiring a sleeping consultant of medical variety. This program orientation is based on the philosophy that once good sleep behavior is established it will be easier to maintain and tweak while returning to the other business operations of the corporation such as diet specifications, therapies and educational dictates.
September 30, 2010 at 9:52 am
Wow. Except for the part about 3 kids, I could have written this one myself. Bear has always been the worst sleeper, which is extra torturous for me because disruptions to my sleep pattern tends to bring on crippling migraines.
We tried it ALL. Who had to put him down on any given night became a major bone of contention in our marriage, because it was really arguing over who was more able to handle the 3 hour screaming fight that day. And then we’d argue over whose turn it was when he got up at 1,3,5, etc. It could take hours to rock him back down to sleep on any given waking.
You’ve probably tried it all, but I figure I’d note the things we’ve tried just in case something helped.
We plunked down the $ for “room darkening” drapes. Made a big difference for naptime (before he would only nap on my lap), helped in the morning (most of our bedrooms get hit with sunrise) and a little help at bedtime (there’s a streetlight right outside our bedroom windows – we planted a tree and are waiting for it to get tall enough).
We have a bedtime CD (Schroeder’s Greatest Hits – LOVE it). It’s in his room, in my car, on both our iPods. We’re so consistent with it I can barely stay awake after 4 bars. I can’t say it puts him to sleep by itself, but it’s an integral part of his routine.
We used a sleep soother – the music + lights helped when he was an infant, and being allowed to play with the light as a 2 yo made a big difference. This little machine took us from hours of rocking him to sleep in the chair and praying we could get him into bed w/o waking up to being able to lay down in bed with him for a few minutes, him telling us when he was ready for the light and us being able to leave. We recently graduated from the soother to a flashlight. I just pull the light out of his bed when I tuck him in after he falls asleep.
When he was little, being in our bed was exciting and it was pointless to try. About the time he turned 2, we discovered he could crawl into our bed around 5 am and fall back asleep, and sometimes sleep until 8. WAY better than rocking him from 5 until the alarm goes off hoping for a miracle. We’re on a corner, and think it’s related to the street noise and the school bus stop being in our front yard (our room is in back of house, gets less noise).
September 30, 2010 at 1:41 pm
more thank yous all around! Thanks for the suggestions from everyone, and again, thank you for sharing that you’ve all been through this in some form or another. Sometimes I feel like it’s some secret – no one wants to admit what lengths they go through to get their kids to sleep.
I will say the hardest part about all these sleep issues is that my husband and I have never been able to get away overnight just the two of us in over 8 years. All this sleep management makes it hard to turn it over for one or more nights to someone else. But maybe with some of these suggestions, we’ll give it a try sometime!
September 30, 2010 at 8:49 pm
I have been where you are! We are finally, after 8 years, getting a bit more regular sleep. We tried everything. And I’m not really sure what finally changed. Nothing outward. Nothing I did seemed to help. I think my boy had some kind of chemical shift that comes from growing that helped him sleep. I know that doesn’t help you at this point. I just wanted to commiserate and let you know that I’m sending good, positive sleep vibes your way. You deserve it!
September 30, 2010 at 10:12 pm
thank you for commiserating. I’m hearing from many that time may be my cure…I sure hope so. Thanks for commenting – I love your blog and I’m grateful you stopped by to tell me I’m not alone!
October 1, 2010 at 2:19 am
oooh, wow. Things are rough for the Butler Corporation. Sleep. Oh sleep!
I can only offer sympathy and empathy! We endured years of sleep deprivation, too. Perky developed bronchiolitis at 6 weeks of age (including rushing to emergency with suspected pneumonia, yes, good times!) and from then on, he only fell and stayed asleep if cuddled. He ended up sleeping tucked against my armpit most nights. With hindsight and a hell of a lot of knowledge about autism and sensory processing, I know he needed that contact to sleep. Naturally, it took an immense toll on me and therefore on everyone else. Perky is now 6 and a half years old and has only just started saying he does not need a grown up to help him fall asleep. The reality is that he still wants an adult 5 times out of 7 but it is a small step towards independent settling. He sleeps through most nights now.
Like the Mrs Butler from your report, I took a very long time to adjust to not being woken at night (at the darkest times, it was 12 times a night, people ask how can I cope? My answer was I didn’t very well. Who would?!) and I still use self-guided meditation and rescue remedy sleep formula to turn my brain ‘off’. I hope all members of the Butler Corporation achieve deep and peaceful sleep ASAP.
Again, my deep sympathy to you all (especially Mrs Butler)
October 2, 2010 at 9:48 pm
My youngest had brochilitis at 4 months old, and it really messed up our sleep plan with him (mostly because I was so afraid of him wheezing in the middle of the night that I didn’t want him anywhere out of earshot. I know the day is coming when they won’t need us anymore (I hope anyway). I’d just like one night. one night. thanks for your thoughts and sympathy!
October 1, 2010 at 7:53 am
I applaud you for your determination to work through Howie’s sleep problems (and your own). I have always heard of kids on the spectrum having sleep problems (I have had a little taste, but Nate has always been a good sleeper) but this is incredible. I don’t know how you managed to do it and be pregnant at the same time. My proverbial hat goes off to you, madame, as sleep deprivation has serious consequences (not including psychotic episodes!)and you have managed to escape it.
Thank you for your story. More people need to know what we go through. I don’t think they have a grasp of what we sacrifice on a daily basis, including sleep.
Cheers to you.
October 2, 2010 at 9:50 pm
oh I’ve had my psychotic episodes
or at least I’m sure my kids think I have. I’m glad Nate has been a good sleeper for you. It’s been nice to hear from all sides that this is a common issue, and I’m happy to have some new solutions to try!
October 1, 2010 at 4:20 pm
Although I haven’t read much about sleep and SPD, I am convinced that sensory problems are highly related to sleep disturbances (even for kids who are not on the autism spectrum). When my b/g twins were babies, I thought I was going to go crazy because they each woke up 10-15 times a night for years (2.5 years for one and 3 years for the other). They started seeing an occupational therapist twice a week and viola! they started sleeping better almost immediately. My third child came along when the twins were 2 years and 4 months old. From the beginning, he slept like a rock. I didn’t do anything differently with him–he just came out different. Which is to say, stop feeling guilty about this. You didn’t do anything that created this. You had the unfortunate luck of getting bad sleepers.
So, the trick is to outlast this period of your life. So, I recommend that you get sleep ANY way you can. What “worked” for us was to put wall to wall beds in our room (seriously, at one point we had a cal king, a queen, and a twin) so that we could fit as many children in our beds as showed up at night. This way we were able to attend to waking children with a minimal amount of disturbance to our own rest. (As a side note, our housekeeper found it very confusing, so we told her we hosted the neighborhood sex parties and she never asked about it again).
Comfort yourself with the knowlege that other people’s children are not sleeping as well as they are leading you to believe. And those people who are honest will tell you that they deal with sleep issues even with more “typical” children. I think that sleeping at night is a lot like potty training. You can set up the environment for success (night time routines, sound machines, etc.) but you can make them sleep or poop in the potty. Eventually, they will all do both without your assistance. Until that time, figure out what is going to give YOU the most of what YOU need while you wait for them and their bodies to figure it out. Stop feeling badly about it. You are only compounding your own misery. Being dead tired is bad enough.
October 1, 2010 at 4:23 pm
I meant, “you can’t make them sleep”
October 2, 2010 at 9:54 pm
I knew what you meant
Your comment to your housekeeper gave me the laugh I needed before bed tonight. Thank you.
and thank you for your advice. I think you’re right – sleep is like toilet training. No one wants to admit what a hard time they are having, makes us feel like parental failures. We’re going to do what’s best for our boys and leave it at that, I guess. And nap during “Curious George”
October 2, 2010 at 11:31 am
This too shall pass! My colicy spectrumite turned 30 this year and has to pay great attention to her diet and evening activities and bedtime habits to accomplish unfettered sleep. The youngest has dysthymia as well as being on the spectrum and (at 20) likes sleep entirely too much (sometimes in lieu of problem solving). To all of you parents of young children on the spectrum who don’t sleep, I wish you to remember that the energy your children emanate in spite of their lack of sleep will be applied throughout their whole life to the task of coping in a neurotypical world. They are warriors-in-training, and while they are under five, you are immersed in a kind of boot camp, and even if it is mind-numbing, “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger!”
October 2, 2010 at 9:56 pm
thank you for that reminder and for forging the path for those of us with younger kids. I really appreciate you commenting here and reminding us that this too shall pass.
October 4, 2010 at 7:13 am
[...] hello again. Yes, sleep. Ask my friend Alysia about it. It is a rare commodity indeed. Solving this issue would mean big business, I’m [...]
October 4, 2010 at 9:21 pm
Ugh!
Alysia, I’m so sorry that I’m so late to comment on this.
First of all, I absolutely feel your angst and pain.
My Harley didn’t sleep thru the night for the first time until he was almost 4 years old. He still wakes up about 3 or 4 times a night and comes into our room.
It’s so damn debilatating to try and operate on minimal sleep.
I personally think thatn every parent should do exactly what works for them, while ever they are happy as well.
If that means having them in your bed or you in theirs- at least there is SOME sleep happening.
As for strategies – you are already on the melatonin route so I would also suggest something like a lava lamp in his room. Apparently watching those makes them sleepy. I have been meaning to get one myself so I can’t yet offer personal acounts on that and also, I’ve been told that sometimes just taking the pressure off them to sleep such as telling them to turn their lamp on and read if they can’t fall asleep or wake up throught the night.
But this would be difficult if he shares a room with a sibling and so far I personally havehn’t been happy about the possibility of him having NO sleep.
I’m sorry that I don’t have the magic answer – when I figure it out here – you will be the first person I tell.
Hugs (( )) X
October 7, 2010 at 2:24 pm
I like the lava lamp idea. I might steal it for my own room